becoming mom...again

okay, so, it's been a while. last time i posted i was gearing up for christmas. in review: christmas went great. how's that for short & sweet?? honestly, these days, i'm lucky to remember what i did yesterday never mind a month ago...i blame pregnancy brain...and our 3 kids. (sometimes i worry that i won't be able to remember anything by 40.) oh & and hello 2015! 

sooo...what's been going on lately...

oh! we found out baby #4 is another sweet girl!

we are all super excited (now). lincoln was not happy. not gonna lie. it got ugly. and i was seriously concerned for baby girl's safety for a few minutes there. after he was done grieving the hope for a brother, he came & hugged me & told me he loved the baby-shew, thank goodness.

more baby talk:

we were only slightly concerned with the fact that we have NOTHING for a baby....until I found not just one, but TWO diaper bags. that's right. we'll be just fine. i have baby accessory options. but seriously, so many people have offered their baby beds, swings, bath tubs, etc PLUS our amazing family who will no doubt be sure we are taken care of...i have no worry that it will all work out. shoot, after our 3rd we quickly realized what we actually needed vs. what we thought we needed. he never did have a high chair, boppy, bumbo or half the stuff his sisters had. ;) and in case you're wondering, yes, we have a name & i can't wait to meet that sweet girls face.

hello 20 weeks!

being a family of 5 is interesting...and never dull. most of the time, i wish for boring. how wonderful boring must be. or silence. that sounds wonderful. as i bide through this 5th pregnancy awaiting our 4th baby, i must admit i feel a lot of unease. we've managed our family of 5 on one paycheck for a few years now. it's definitely challenging. and quite easy to get frustrated with not being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. but i KNOW that God is providing all we NEED. the whole "counting your blessings" thing really does work when i get restless with our lives. but thinking about bringing another mouth into this house?? i get stressed out now just feeding us 5 (why are they always hungry?!). we have a strict (and small) budget for 2 weeks worth of groceries & it's a major stretch to get us through. it's always fun to see how creative we can be when it comes down to those last few dinners before the next paycheck. ;) 

since the beginning of the new year we have went back to our "envelope method" of budgeting that we did early in our marriage. it helps to stretch those dollars. with each paycheck, we withdraw a predetermined amount of cash and put it into designated envelopes for things such as groceries, gas, misc. and when the money's gone from that envelope, it's gone....until the next paycheck. it gives us a more structured look at where our money is going each month and makes us more mindful of spending...rather than swiping the debit at every turn-which is just so darn convenient!

i said all that to say this...i think having children is a bit of a leap of faith. faith that God will provide for them & protect them, faith that God will lead them & never leave them, faith that God has a perfect plan for each one of them. so by adding another little to our family, it has not only been a stretch on our budget but also a stretch of our faith. i've continued to deal with anxiety throughout this pregnancy-something i'm not accustomed to (boo-hiss on you anxiety). and while it's been a very difficult part of this pregnancy, it's really become a way of growing my faith. letting go of worry. letting go of control. learning to lean on God more completely (which is a life-long journey). with each little life that we've been entrusted with, it's changed us. changed our family dynamic--sure. but also changed & challenged us as parents. changed us in our marriage. ya know, we have to be open to change. even if it hurts. even if it's hard. open to grow. having kids isn't easy, but it's unquestionably extraordinary. these little lives. each so different yet so similar. each so perfectly "ours."

i've often heard people say this about their kids "i can't imagine my life without them" and until recently, i haven't truly understood what they meant by that. i could always "imagine" what life would look like...but really what they're saying is "i can't imagine a world where they aren't in it." and they're right, i wouldn't want to.

what an incredible privilege to be front row to these little lives. (yes, even when they are farting at the dinner table, laughing out loud in church or full-on WWE in the living room.) but we get to be an instrument in shaping their futures (no pressure). and as much as i feel like a constant failure in the parent/role model department, i have to say that walking this messy, bumpy, stinky, challenging road of life with them is something i may never fully understand or appreciate the magnitude...and ginormous blessing of.

and in case i forget to say it...thank you, God, for giving us these perfectly imperfect little lives. 

Psalms 127:4-5

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. 

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;