a well-worn home

spring has finally arrived in ohio...i think. at least, for now. you just never know here. and one thing i didn't know i missed during that long winter of ours was the birds. the last few mornings i've awoke to their songs. all different kinds. all singing together. and as the snow melted from our last blast of winter, they've been diligently working on building their nests. and i guess most start to feel that kind of pull when the warmer air arrives. the sense to nest. to feather our homes. naturally, i have all my profound revelations around 11 o'clock while lying in the bed trying to sleep. regardless, i finally did a little spring fluffing around the house this week (and thought it'd be fun to share some pics below). also, i did not purchase anything new. i LOVE to shop my own home. go room to room & switch up items. i probably should have been focusing my efforts on that not-even-close-to-being-ready "nursery," alas, i did not. i'm avoiding it-let's be honest. let's all pray that this momma bird gets the very strong urge to nest in THAT room...and quick. our soon-to-be little nest of 6 won't wait.

it's nothing new to know that i've been craving simplicity in our home, wardrobes, accessories-you name it-while also focusing more on filling our home with pieces that have meaning, purpose & life to them. i talked about it more in this post. i've always loved decorating & arranging a room (just ask my mom). i'd OFTEN rearrange my bedroom at home & do it at all hours of the day (or night). whenever the mood would strike. it always left me with such renewed feeling of self. a new lease of life. a new day to conquer. change would breathe new life into me.

in my 29 years i have called 6 places home. and they each hold keen memories of who i was at that point in time. with my first 2 homes i was really too young to remember much from either. the very first home was shared with my great grandmother. it was the house my grandma grew up in. it ended in a tragic house fire. one in which my dad jumped back in to grab diapers & formulas for me. one in which only my redheaded yarn doll was saved. 

but it was my 3rd home that gave me my years of growing up. it was a quaint house that had humble beginnings and lots of yard to roam. my dad's hands are all over that house. his skill. his craftsmanship. he did so much to transform that house into a home for our growing family (my brother soon followed me then 2 more sisters over the years). and it's something i've always held dear about that place. they still live their today...which is something more & more rare. today, we live in a society of perpetual movement. a time & place that we're always looking to better. "what's the next step up?" i don't know if there's anything particularly wrong with it, but we have definitely morphed into a culture of replace instead of repair. we are told we need to constantly refresh & renew versus accepting the lived-in & loved. even homes themselves have become more disposable than ever.

my 4th home was more accurately a basement. we were newlyweds with a new baby (i really need to tell that story one day) and living with the in-laws. my husband loves to tell our oldest (who shares a room with little sis) that she can complain about her sleeping conditions when she has to live in one room with another adult + baby. anyway, those were some rough growing years, but we made it work.

my 5th home was our first "on our own" home--even if it was rented from hubs' grandpa. it counted. it had 2 bedrooms upstairs & a full finished basement (gosh, i miss that basement space). it had a fireplace in the living room & a chandelier in the dining room. it had hardwood floors & a river view you would die for. that view helped me overlook the pink tub & toilet found in the main bathroom. i remember thinking we hit it big in that little place. we brought home 2 more babies there.

my 6th home is where we are currently living & have lived for 5 whole years now (God bless the neighbors still living around us). it's the first home that is all ours. and even though we got away from the pink tub & toilet, this place gave us pink bathroom tile. maybe it's my lot in life to grow to love pink...i did go through a pink phase sophomore year in high school. but this place now...this place is our home. it's loud & alive. and i can tell you without a shadow of doubt that it's exactly the place God planned for us (i should tell that story one day too). that's something to think about: when God was weaving the story of our lives, he prepared THIS place for US.  

it's been 3 years now, since i left my job working in an admissions office at a local university to stay home with our youngest 2 (our oldest was already in school). and i think spending the majority of my time at home has really made me look at our place differently...or at least more closely. it's where i spend the majority of my time. it's my place of work, my place of relaxation & my place of solitude. i want it to welcome me, but i also need it to work for me--not against me.

i know it's hard to really embrace this one...but our homes are meant to be lived in. they aren't museums. i know some desire order, symmetry & cleanliness above all else...and while that's okay, i hope we know it's not everything. with each new little person (and each new pet) we add to our family, we have had to add a new level of acceptance to our living. my husband & i are what i would consider good housekeepers. he often does a lot of the surface work (vacuuming & dusting) & i keep the place organized (drawers, shelves, closets & such).  we try to take care of what we've been given while still realizing some things will come with life. we try to keep a balance.

balance. it's something we have to constantly work at. it doesn't come naturally. and doesn't happen organically. we have to balance what we expect from our kids (as far as taking care of what God has provided for us) with what will inevitably occur through days, months & years of growing in one's home. and it's super hard, i'll admit. especially when i notice the new lengthwise scratch on the record player where a little boy was racing cars or the new stain on the couch where a little girl dropped a freshly-cut strawberry. and while we often react quickly in anger & disappointment, i want to remember that our house is growing up with us. just as our kids learn to ride a bike, fall & maybe bruise their knee, our home reflects its years with us with many of its own bumps & bruises.

i think of my wooden cutting board that has started to warp & wonder if it's time to toss it aside...and then i think of the many meals it's had a hand in preparing. i notice the strings coming loose in the couch & fear it won't last long...and then i think of how comfy it's become over time as hubs & i share it in the evenings--broken in just right. i see the paint chipping...well, from everything...and think of how many times the kids have sat around that scratched up coffee table to watch a movie together, how many times the kids have ran through those paint-chipped hallways playing tag, or how many times we've celebrated birthdays around that marker stained kitchen table. each chip, scratch or stain is a sign that someone lives here. someone finds security here. someone cries here. someone laughs here. someone is loved here.

instead of looking at our homes as places never good enough--never clean enough, never big enough, never new enough--let's embrace the imperfections. instead of discarding pieces that may seem less than perfect, let's appreciate them for the memories they hold. maybe we can actually honor the passing of time rather than always looking at our homes askew.

there is beauty in the well-worn.

hey there green lantern

these ikea containers keep our laundry tidy & organized

note:  if any of this post came across as overly romantic, i can't help it. it's the anne shirley in me.

happy spring!

xo

more on the concept of the well-worn home can be found here.

i had a dream...

i didn't want to open my eyes this morning. (not that that is any different from any other morning.) but this morning, behind closed lids, i saw you. 

i had a dream last night that you were here. 

you came quickly (as i expect you to) yet early & you surprised everyone. it was a home birth except that it wasn't this home that i had you in. it was your dad & i's first home...which was really a basement apartment. we were surrounded by quite a random group of people--all of which we knew. and i was meeting you for the first time.

you're skin was milky white with just the right amount of pudge. your hair was golden & i held your face to mine to see the color of your eyes. i could still see them after i opened my eyes from sleep. they were blue & green & gold flecks were speckled throughout them. they didn't feel strange. of course little within the realm of dreams ever actually does. they were...reassuring.  calm, quiet, knowing.

and you were smiling. and there was so much joy. and i could feel the weight of you in my arms. your buttery soft skin only covered by a diaper. 

were there dimples? i can't remember. but i was wearing a black dress. and i was gathering items you may need. i was busy & excited & never felt better. fear was gone. there was no anxiety. just peace & joy & you.

i could feel myself slipping away & my heart pained a little. i refused to wake. but when i realized it was too late, i committed to memory the details of your face. and when i was alert, i felt despondent. like i lost something important & feared i would never see it again. 

i made sure to quickly document this memory because undoubtedly i will forget most of it by lunch. but if this vivid pregnancy dream did anything, it confirmed for me that we're ready. and how much i can't wait to actually meet you...to hold you, to look at you eye to eye. as i feel your whisper of a kick then a small nudge inside me, i know you're getting ready too. and it won't be long now, love.   

oh & i can't forget to record that you also had painted nails of gold. your toes & your fingers were covered in glittered golden polish. and mine were too. we matched. and none of us could believe it. 

photo source here

are you a good enough mother?

there's something i've been meaning to say. something i've been wanting to talk about. and after reading a recent post on my instagram feed, i am finally ready to write about it.

motherhood.

i know. so broad. so limited. sooo talked about. soooo blogged about. i know...

it's something some are surprised with. it's something some dream about. it's something very different for each mother. and yet, it's still very much the same. 

for some it's biological. for some it's spiritual. 

and yes, you can be a "mother" without physically carrying a child. and no, i'm not even talking as far as adoption or fostering (which require some amazing mommas)--but just by mentoring a life & fulfilling that role as nurturer can bring you into that wondrously unknown realm of motherhood.

that being said, it's obvious that we ALL (man or woman) experience life differently. each of us have our own paths. each of us have our own needs, perspectives, struggles & triumphs. while many of us may come from similar backgrounds-maybe growing up in the same era, we still have distinctive circumstances that we have each had to deal with that shaped who we are today. bottom line: none of us go through this world the same way. 

why would motherhood be any different?

i want to say that motherhood is different today than it may have been for our mothers & grandmothers. what with technology & social media & such. and to a degree, yes, it is. but we all still struggle with "doing what's best" for our children. and while many childrearing methods come & go in popularity/acceptability, it still remains that most of the time we're all just trying to...let's admit it, keep our head above water.

the interesting factor for today's mom is the social media component of our lives. everything is right there. in yo face. day in. day out. all day. all night. and i know i be checking my multiple apps many times-daily...amiright?? that's where we have to be careful. COMPARISON. ick.

fo real. 

we compare what we feed our kids. we compare if we're living green enough. we compare how we correct our children's behavior. we compare our kids grades. we compare our children's athletic abilities.

i have friends who breastfeed. i have friends who bottle-feed.

i have friends who homeschool. i have friends whose children attend public school.

i have friends that spank. i have friends who don't.

i have friends who eat dye-free, nut-free and gluten free. i have friends who eat organic. i have friends whose kids eat off the van floor (that may be me).

i have friends who use essential oils. i have friends who don't know what that is.

i have friends who clothe diaper--no, i don't really--at least i don't think, but it sounds very interesting.

some of us are constricted financially by what we can do for our kids. some of us are in busy seasons of life. some of us are working outside the home. some of us are working from the home. some of us are just working to get out of bed in the morning (again, me). and some of us...are going it alone. 

the point is, we all mother differently, BUT we all LOVE just as much. 

and i love each of those dear friends above & i know without a shadow of a doubt that they all love their babies fiercely. my babies were bottle-fed, have attended public and private schools, have all been spanked, and 2 out of the 3 used a binky for probably too long. and yes, i want to try breastfeeding with this new baby. and yes, i've been buying more organic foods. and yes, we've been using essential oils since november. but the truth is, we are all trying to figure this motherhood thing out. we all love our kids. our achievement of being a "good" mom isn't measured by how many "good" things we can check off of some phantom motherhood list. 

just as we have our own paths in life, each of our children have their own paths in life. none of them are carved from the same stone. so with each new little life, we, as mothers, are met with all new challenges. i have 3 kids now & what worked for the first doesn't always work for the third (actually it rarely does). they. are. different. 

so, motherhood. 

we're all in this together, girls. let's support each other--no matter which stance we take on fast food or the amount of screen time is acceptable for kids. let's love on each other. uplift each other when we don't know what in the world we're doing. (am i scarring my children for life??) let's quit the comparison game for our own sake. judge less & accept more. and if we read an awesome blog post about homeschooling, let's applaud that mom for finding something that works for their family--and not assume we should have done the same. 

if i've learned anything from having our 3 littles over the last 12 years, it's that there are seasons in our lives. seasons when it's slow & we feel like we can do more with our kids. seasons when our kids were still babies & we were just trying to get by. seasons when our marriage was hard making everything more difficult. seasons when our walks with God made everything so much sweeter. seasons come & go & change & we change with them. but under it all, we just want our kids to know they are safe & treasured & loved...no matter what. 

are you a good enough mother? 

i mean, what does that even mean??

sister, you got this! i don't care if you haven't showered. i don't care if you are still wearing your pajamas...from last week (am i the only one?? i'm just saving water.). i don't care if you're still carrying around that baby weight (and your baby is now 10). it does not matter. you are loved. perfectly. by God. you were created perfectly for a purpose only YOU can fulfill. and while we hold ourselves up to some kind of standard that is often based on the lives of others, we are missing what's really important:  the eyes of those littles who know nothing of such a standard. all they see is THEIR mom...

"she makes my favorite meal & washes my favorite pjs. she gives me the best hugs & knows all the songs from Frozen. how did she get so good at singing?? she takes so many pictures of me--she says i'm beautiful. she helps me with my homework-even though she hates math. she let us have a cat-even though she's allergic. she gives me the warmest baths & my hair smells so good. she knows i eat red apples-not green & green grapes-not red. and if i get to sleep in her bed, the nightmares go away. how does she do it all?? i know she is magic."

so, friends, let's remember who we're really doing (the crafts, the projects, the late nights, the baking, the class parties) this for. for those little people who can't wait to wake up to see you. who find you first thing when they get home from school to tell you every detail about their day. let's wake up each day realizing that our joy of motherhood can be reclaimed. because it doesn't last, you see. days turn to months. months turn to years. days become graduation days & then wedding days. and before you know it, your babies will be having babies of their own...and guess what...

...guess who they'll be calling for advice...

that mom you see in the mirror. the one with dirty hair & bags under her eyes. the one who thought she knew nothing. the one who thought she wasn't enough. 

she was. 

she was exactly what that baby needed. exactly who that teen needed. and she'll be exactly what that new mom or dad will want. and you know what you'll tell them...

just love them, honey. hold them tight & kiss them often. yell, but say i'm sorry. cry, but remember to smile. laugh with them & laugh at yourself. 

we're all going to be alright. 

To Emma, Kennedy & Lincoln:  may I never forget what a privilege it is to be your mom.

To Baby Girl on the way:  I can't wait to meet you, love you & try my best to give you what God wants for you.

xo

Christmas 2014

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Proverbs 17:22 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 

why i'm afraid of baby

hey, how bout some more baby bump pics?? okay, no problem. 

these were actually taken the week before the blizzard of 2015 hit. you can still see leftover snow in the last pic from the previous snow. i guess here in ohio, our winter doesn't like to show up until the last minute. it makes for an awkward (and incredibly short) spring. 

by baby number 4 i guess i thought i'd have it figured out. or at the least, know what to expect. or at the least least, feel prepared. but the reality is, i feel more unsure than ever. 

at this point my fear over the inevitable lack of sleep that comes with a newborn has become irrational. sleep is important to me, people. and then i just KNOW i won't be able to breastfeed baby girl enough OR that i won't be able to keep up with all 4 littles and each of their needs. yes, i know we shouldn't worry and i'm normally not a worrier, but i can't help but think, can we really do this?? i mean, do you know how long it takes us 5 to get out the door at this point? we may never make it anywhere again--and definitely never on time! and since we're talking about worry...i worry about what i'm putting my kids through with each new addition. for instance:

i was talking generally about bedroom plans and happened to mention, "if we have anymore, we can put them..." our oldest was listening & stopped me right there, "you're having more??" guys, you should've seen the look in her eyes. she may not have meant it the same way i took it, but it took the wind out of me. has this been too much for her? i know she's the oldest and often does the most to help, but for the first time...i was worried for her. worried she may resent us. resent her siblings. oh geesh. yep, i ran with it. that's the problem with worry, though, isn't it? we let our minds wonder about things that have yet to happen and we speculate over things that we don't know. it's kinda dumb. but it's real. and when it happens, i have to SHUT. IT. DOWN. that stuff can ruin you.

also with every new little life, there's this shift in our family dynamics.

with every new baby-with every new life force-our family changes. it's interesting to see how each child reacts to these changes. to see what role they grow into in our family. i can already see our baby boy becoming the big brother--he talks to her in my belly, tells us what he's going to teach her, thinks of her when we're shopping--it's one of the sweetest things to watch.

but i guess that's the magical part of it. what you didn't know was missing is now found. this piece of your life that you've been waiting for...and didn't even know it. and because i know every life is given by God, i know it's all part of His plan. i know that with every addition it changes each us...but it's bringing us closer to who we're meant to be. who we were planned to be since the beginning. while circumstances may surprise us, it doesn't surprise God. while changes may be hard for us, it's because He planned it that way. to mold us. to strengthen us. to give us experiences that we can then share with others. to empathize. to love. because when all the layers of struggle & worry are peeled away, what's left is love. the love God has for us. the love we are to have towards others. 

i thought that with every child, my love would have to be "divided" amongst them. but the reality is, God gives us the ability to "multiply" our love. it doesn't get dissected, it GROWS.

PRAYING GOD'S WORD OVER OUR CHILDREN: 

God, may I want nothing greater for my children than that they should be taught by You, established on a foundation of righteousness (Isa. 54:13-14). May I faithfully tell them of Your might and the wonderful works You have performed, that they might put their confidence in You--that they might become a generation whose heart is loyal and whose spirit is faithful to You (Ps. 78:4,7-8). Beth Moore, David

waiting on baby

well, we've made it to 26 weeks & 3 days (according to this nifty app i have). and honestly, it has flown by. i guess keeping up with the 3 other littles has kept us just a little busy. june 7 will be here before we know it. even though i highly doubt we make it to june 7. i've never done the whole "full term" thing. those babies don't like to wait.

i've also realized that with my 3 other pregnancies i couldn't wait to not be pregnant. being pregnant wasn't the big thrill for me like i know it is for a lot of mommas. but this time...this time is different. maybe it's because i'm older (but still in ma 20's!). maybe it's because this may be our last baby (4 is sounding more & more like a good number). but it's just different. i may even say i've enjoyed the majority of this pregnancy. (going into the 3rd trimester might not be the best time to say that.) but this time around, i just can't wait to meet this baby girl. i can't wait to see who you will be. the place you will fill for our family. 

 

Dearest Baby Girl, 

While we're waiting on you: 

This spring is coming in like a lion, and we're hoping it goes out like a lamb--and quickly. March has brought us #snowpocalypse2015. Between 12-14 inches of snowfall in most places today. Your brother and sister (minus Kennedy) want nothing more than to build an igloo. Kennedy wants nothing more than to bake cookies and watch TV. And yes, they are ALL praying they never have to go back to school. I am praying something very different.  

Your dad shoveled a path for me in our yard so I could make it to this tree. I mean, come on, I just HAD to get some pictures. And I know it's March & all but there's no denying the beauty in this snowfall. And there's no denying the beauty in this little life we are waiting on.  

xo

I can imagine that someday we will regard our children not as creatures to manipulate or to change but rather as messengers from a world we once knew but which we have long since forgotten, who can reveal more to us about the true secrets of life, and also our own lives, than our parents were ever able to.