i had a dream...

i didn't want to open my eyes this morning. (not that that is any different from any other morning.) but this morning, behind closed lids, i saw you. 

i had a dream last night that you were here. 

you came quickly (as i expect you to) yet early & you surprised everyone. it was a home birth except that it wasn't this home that i had you in. it was your dad & i's first home...which was really a basement apartment. we were surrounded by quite a random group of people--all of which we knew. and i was meeting you for the first time.

you're skin was milky white with just the right amount of pudge. your hair was golden & i held your face to mine to see the color of your eyes. i could still see them after i opened my eyes from sleep. they were blue & green & gold flecks were speckled throughout them. they didn't feel strange. of course little within the realm of dreams ever actually does. they were...reassuring.  calm, quiet, knowing.

and you were smiling. and there was so much joy. and i could feel the weight of you in my arms. your buttery soft skin only covered by a diaper. 

were there dimples? i can't remember. but i was wearing a black dress. and i was gathering items you may need. i was busy & excited & never felt better. fear was gone. there was no anxiety. just peace & joy & you.

i could feel myself slipping away & my heart pained a little. i refused to wake. but when i realized it was too late, i committed to memory the details of your face. and when i was alert, i felt despondent. like i lost something important & feared i would never see it again. 

i made sure to quickly document this memory because undoubtedly i will forget most of it by lunch. but if this vivid pregnancy dream did anything, it confirmed for me that we're ready. and how much i can't wait to actually meet you...to hold you, to look at you eye to eye. as i feel your whisper of a kick then a small nudge inside me, i know you're getting ready too. and it won't be long now, love.   

oh & i can't forget to record that you also had painted nails of gold. your toes & your fingers were covered in glittered golden polish. and mine were too. we matched. and none of us could believe it. 

photo source here