hey look, it's a stretch mark

hi guys, it's me, amanda. did you forget i blog? i did. anyways, thanks for hanging around & checking in! here's what i've been up to...

so everyone's asleep & i'm doing my nightly facial routine (by nightly i mean i do it some nights when i feel like i need to get my skin under control).

[side note: why am i 31 & still dealing with acne. whyyyyyyyy.] 

as i put my hair up, i discover a brand new, bright & shiny stretch mark staring at me in the mirror. on the underside of my arm. there it is. i kinda stood there & just stared at it. kind of thinking, maybe i'll try wiping it off. then i started running through a list of things that require me to lift my arm that maybe i'll never do again in the presence of people. then, as though going through the stages of grief, i got angry. like, "can i not catch a break, here?!" "i thought the pregnancy shenanigans were over." "why is this happening to me?!" "maybe i'll finally get a tattoo & it can cover it up."

i guess that's the thing with motherhood. sometimes crap happens. i mean, sometimes you're literally dealing with crap. like the other night when i was co-bathing (i'm sure that's a thing) my sweet little baby girl & she decided to poop & then pee all over me. but sometimes you can be surprised by the daily crap that can get you down. like finding a shiny new stretch mark. leaving you with a sudden feeling of insecurity & despair.

i'll just say this:

i'll be the one waving hello to you with their white jiggly arm. i'll be the one throwing my baby in the air with my soft yet capable arms. i'll be the one hugging my oldest with my stretch-mark covered arms when she tells me goodnight.

my motto of late: life's too short.

too short to worry about the muscle to fat ratio of my arms. too short to worry about the number on the scale. too short to worry about all the things that haven't happened yet, but could happen & you think maybe you should worry about them, ya know, just in case.

well, in case you didn't already know, we have four kids & just found out we have another little one on the way.

we had our first child when i was still in high school & we wondered how in the world we were going to do it then.

after hubs & i got married, we were both in college full-time & decided we shouldn't wait any longer to give our firstborn a sibling. so i took a semester off & we had number 2. two kids in college without jobs...we wondered how we were going to do it.

not a month after graduating college, i got my first job. and not a month after that, we were surprised to find out we were expecting number 3. during which time, hubs had quit his job in sales to finally pursue a job in eduction. y'all, he was back to subbing. so 9 months into my first job & hubs taking sporadic work, i'm taking maternity leave & we're having number 3...we wondered how we were going to do it.

i'm guessing you see my point here.

a few years later, i quit my job to stay home with our two littlest ones & we were, once again, surprised by number 4. yes, surprised again! it can happen, okay?! one income & now 4 babes...how are we going to do this??

my point is, we always managed. no one ever went hungry. we always had a roof over our head. we always had clothes on our backs. and life's too dang short for this silly worrying.

each time we added a babe, changed jobs, bought cars, bought a house, we trusted in God's timing & provision. we sought his guidance & placed our faith in Him. having babies-or more specifically-getting pregnant isn't by random chance. every life given is allowed by Him. so we trusted that He knew what was up. and ya know what, things always worked out. thanks to Him.

now, here we are getting ready to add number 5 and still have just one income and to be honest, this is the first time when hubs & i are on the same page. we aren't worrying about how we're gonna do it. just trusting that God will walk us through it.

so what am i saying...

i'm not saying have 5 kids, although, BY ALL MEANS. but what i am saying is quit worrying about all those trivial things that literally mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. those stretch marks, those gray hairs, those wrinkles, those plus size jeans, those tiny paychecks, that old car, that unexpected baby...life's too short to worry. embrace life. turn your focus towards others. towards doing good. towards spreading love. let God work in you & your life. it's all about focus. keep your eyes on Him & the stormy waters will be as solid ground. I PROMISE the more you get to know Him, the more you will understand the love He has for you & the more you will be able to love yourself & others. and LOVE is what life is all about.

let go.
and let God.



peace & love, friends xo

womanhood + motherhood + living simply

          

as a woman, motherhood has been part of a self-evolution. i wasn't one who dreamed of having kids or ever thought about being a stay-at-home mom. i figured kids would happen one day...when i was ready. but life can be funny. motherhood came as a complete shock to me at the young age of 17. i was just starting my senior year of high school & i truly wasn't ready for it. i'm still not sure if we ever truly are. it wasn't until recently that i began to comprehend how much i wanted this. that motherhood wasn't something that just happened to me, but something i want for me. to be a mom. to share my life with these little souls. motherhood was something i grew into. that grew on me. 

simplification, as a mother, became a must. simplifying the way i dressed. simplifying my makeup routine. simplifying my hair upkeep. even simplifying my home & our belongings. all of which were adjustments made in hopes of making life a little easier, simpler. and if we were lucky, maybe it'd help us actually get out of the house on time. (HA.) but, for hubs & i, simplification became bigger than just those things. what about the simplification of our schedules? 

over the last 13 years, we've since added 3 more babes to our tribe. during those years, i graduated high school, started college, hubs started college, we both worked side jobs, we both graduated college, we both got full-time jobs, hubs started grad school, our babe started kindergarten, hubs finished grad school, we changed jobs & moved houses...we were busy, you get the picture. wanting to be the best parents we could be, we tried to give our oldest all the experiences life had to offer. we signed her up for everything: cheerleading, basketball, soccer, ballet, softball, talent shows, pretty baby contests, pageants, camps, 4-H...i could go on. as we added children, inevitably more activities filled our calendars. as hubs & i excelled at work, we were given more responsibilities, more conferences to attend, more professional development. as we became more rooted in our community, we joined clubs, we signed up for committees, we sat on boards. we were doing a whole lotta good, y'all.

and there's the rub. 

all those "good" things didn't mean things were "good." 

with all the activities & added responsibilities came a lot of stress, anxiety, guilt & even resentment between hubs & i. we were so busy with events, we barely had time for each other. we had to divide & conquer to get everyone to their activities. we were rarely able to do things together, as a family.

so we began to ask ourselves: how much do we actually value OUR time?

simplifying motherhood meant more than just simplifying my beauty regimen. it meant simplifying every aspect of our lives. for us, simplifying motherhood meant saying no. i started by saying no to my job. we took a leap of faith & i'm so glad we did. we, as a family, started saying no to extracurriculars. saying no to invitations. saying no to obligations. and we, as a family, had to learn to be okay with that. to be okay with maybe "missing out" on events. okay with maybe upsetting people. hoping that our friends, family & even co-workers would understand & respect our decision to respectfully decline. and let me tell ya, what a powerfully freeing feeling it was to start saying no. 

saying no, gave me the courage to start asking why. 

why the constant pressure to be BUSY? why do we feel like we have to do this or have to SIGN UP for that? why are we afraid of MISSING OUT? honestly, it's RARELY the kids who are wanting to do all these activities. what they crave is time WITH US. they want to feel accepted. they want to feel loved. they want to be seen & heard. they don't want the pressure of always having to perform or achieve something that if we're honest, is often for our own validation.  

let me say this: sports, clubs, social committees, etc. aren't bad. our oldest is in middle school & plays sports. our son played preschool tball. our daughter has done the soccer thing. the point is, we, as a family, discuss before committing to anything & constantly reevaluate what is working for us during that season of our life. it's about being intentional with our time. if something isn't working for YOUR family, change it.  if you wish you had more time at home, find it. if life feels like it's out of control, take control.

so i say to you, stressed-out-carpool-bleacher-mom-of-the-year, have courage. be confident in who you are & what you want for your family. be brave in making those hard & often times not-so-popular decisions. be kind with yourself. and the next time you feel the undeniable pressure to sign your kid up for little league soccer, feel free to say no. they'll be just fine without it.

word to yo mama. 

this is a little more like it

originally written in collab with Under a Tin Roof. 

check them out here!

halloween with mom'n tot box

it may be november, but i'm still talkin bout my favorite month! October!

we all love october. we all love the changing of the trees. we love all things pumpkin. but it's always been my favorite. something about the magic in the air around halloween. the day when you can be anything. become anyone. that mostly meant me becoming a princess. or a bride. or a cheerleader. or a ballerina. or a princess. mostly a princess. 

the sound of crunchy leaves under my shoes brings back so many memories of school festivals & neighborhood trick or treating. my mom always made goody bags for the kids who came by our house & there were homemade caramel apples for us & the important job of candy sorting after trick or treat was done. my brother & i were constant companions & competitors. 

this month we got our mom'n tot box full of halloween goodness. if you haven't signed up for a subscription, do it now! 

loving life with mom'n tot box

we're sliding into the last days of september! can you believe it?! i'm not really complaining though. i'm always itching for summer's end & for cooler days. we have woke to foggy, chilly mornings this past week & i must say, i am loving it. we're also loving this month's mom'n tot box! here's what we got!

@momandtotbox

mostly, i still feel like a kid when i get mail. it's basically the best thing ever. and the fact that you can get the mom'n tot box via subscription so that it arrives automatically & repeatedly is even better! and i LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that this box is full of small business items. it makes everything just a little more special. like this wooden "shapes & colors" rainbow! darling!

@teenyweenytoys

i'll be honest, i look forward to the new clothes in our box the most. these tees from mom'n tot box have been the softest, sweetest little tees & we wear them every other day around here. seriously. i love that they come in nontraditional colors like grey & black. such a fun, different look for baby girl.

@mollyschicboutique

oh, wooden blocks, how i love thee. let me count the ways. actually when we found out we were expecting olive, our fourth, i started collecting vintage wooden blocks. i kept them in a big jar in the nursery until the day she was old enough to play with them. well, i just got them down a couple weeks ago for her...how serendipitious that we get these BEAUTIFUL blocks in our box this month. i mean, GAH. 

@smilingtreetoys

the third (or is it fourth or fifth) best part of getting our mom'n tot box...is the mama surprise in each box. this month, this pine candle. part of me wants to light this thing up right now. the other part want to horde it for the months to come. candlelight & the smell of pine during the winter months...is there anything better??

@natureskindle

Thanks mom'n tot box for another excellent mail day!

Check out what we got last month in our mom'n tot box here!

Sign up for your own subscription NOW here! 

Also available...Sibling box subscriptions!!

xo

Thank you Mom'n Tot Box for allowing us to collaborate with you so we can spread the word about all these amazing products!

happy mail with mom'n tot box!

oh man, what a crazy month august has been. i'm gonna blink & it will be september. olive & i are settling into a new routine as everyone headed back to school & i won't lie...it's been glorious. the quiet. it's just so good. and only having to think about the needs of one versus four has been a welcome relief for this mama. 

back to school shopping seemed to be such a breeze this year. thank the heavens for online shopping.  can i get an amen?! and coupon codes. and old navy cash. and clearance sales. and not having to deal with stores & fitting rooms & checkout lines & feeding the kids & loading and unloading a van...like i said, thank the heavens for online shopping. i get to sit at the house & let those sweet, little packages arrive like it's christmas in july...OR AUGUST. and who doesn't love a good mail day?! i am loving mail subscription boxes lately! have you guys ever tried them??

one year for mother's day, hubs signed me up for a 3-month subscription for a beauty box & it was seriously so fun. every month i got a box full of new health & beauty products to try. it was like getting a present every month! we recently found mom'n tot box through instagram & it's for KIDS & MOMS. heck to the yeayah. each box is specially curated according to your children's age, size & gender (up to age 4) & can even be done as a sibling box for 2! mom'n tot box is full of items from small, made in the USA, businesses which is one of my favorite favorite favorite things. 

#shopsmall y'all.

so we got our first mom'n tot box delivery & i let olive rip into her box. she LOVED...the bright, yellow tissue paper. lol. kids & tissue paper, what is with that??? then she found the tin full of beautiful crayons by childhoodlist. these crayons are handmade using natural, non-toxic & eco-friendly materials. and truth be told, olive's big sister was even more excited for the new, shiny box of crayons. i don't blame her--i'm a sucker for packaging, too. i couldn't help but think, these would be such great stocking stuffers (shhhh)! 

then i saw the grey arrow tee--gah. i immediately put this SUPER SOFT wild child tee on olive. it's from harris and fin & is made by sweet emily in indiana! as fast as this tee gets washed, it is back on. they have the most precious clothes in their etsy shop!

since receiving our box, i've been using the shampoo & body wash, baby cream & cuddle rub on olive & this mama cannot get enough of smelling that sweet baby. all these products are by grace mabel baby & smell so fresh & clean. they are a 100% safe & natural skincare line for kids, and again, made in the USA! their creator's name is amanda (what a beautiful name!) & you guys, she has such a heart for children & toxic-free living--you've got to check her out!

as for this mama, i got a bergamot & black pepper roll-on perfume/deodorant from cj & vox. it has the most comforting scent, a warm, clean citrusy roll on that i have been wearing...every...day. another perk: it's made with therapeutic grade essential oils which means, not only does it smell good but it has health benefits for ME. the bergamot is light & airy & is great for mental & physical stress, when i'm feeling down & especially great for THAT TIME OF THE MONTH. :) this roll on is also combined with black pepper essential oil which promotes an overall comforting feeling--that, let's be honest, i could always use. i carry it in our diaper tote so i can reapply quickly & easily wherever we are throughout the day.

i can honestly say, i CANNOT wait for next month's box! you MUST go for the 3-month subscription & tell me what you get in yours!

yay for moms helping moms & small business! go america.

be sure you click over to momandtotbox's instagram page & check out all the sweet photos of babes loving their new finds! tag @momandtotbox in any picture of your child in their clothing/accessories from your box for a chance to be featured & entered in a drawing for $10 off your box next month! suh-sweet!

sign up for your subscription NOW here & put back some of these amazing products for christmas!!!

happy mail day, friends!

(olive says yeah!)

that time i was a model... part 2

the continuing saga!

so we left off with me arriving to my airbnb. what a cliffhanger! jk. well, just as greg, the uber--we all remember greg, right--was letting me out, i got a notification on my phone from Lauren, my airbnb host. the sink wasn't draining. she was still working on it. totally not her fault. our guess? the people who were there the day before probably put their coffee grounds down the drain.

kids, don't put coffee grounds down the drain.

i decided to go ahead in & hang with her while she was finishing up. i mean, what else was i going to do...

you guys, lauren is so super nice! like, we would probably be friends if i lived in nashville. check out their airbnb if you're ever in the area & looking for a chill place to stay. just 75 bucks a night!

the airbnb

let me introduce you to the cutest little airbnb ever. don't know what an airbnb is?? basically, people rent their houses, rooms, apartments, split-levels, campers, airstream, etc. to other people. the pull of an airbnb is that you get to book interesting & different homes from local hosts (in 191+ countries) & you get to experience a place like you live there. the hosts put together guidebooks for you of their favorite local places to eat & hang. is this a millennial thing?

this no. 2 zipper pouch by river city leather making my life so much more organized during this trip! also, it's so dang handsome. find them on instagram here or online here. new website coming soon!

trying to decide for sure what to wear for the ES dinner. (and again, check out that river city leather tote! yum.) i'm texting my daughter, emma, at this point & sending pics. i'm also nauseous to the point of stomach pains. NERVES. GAH.

not gonna lie. i miss this bed. this big, lonely, lovely bed. where i laid. and took up all the space i wanted. and no baby woke me up. and that duvet that hugged me to sleep. and those feather pillows that held my head. it was hard to get outta bed that sunday morning before i flew home, but it wasn't hard to leave. every mom deserves a full night's sleep every once in a while. and two nights if they're lucky.

the dinner

another uber over to ES studio. i couldn't wait to see this place in person. i was welcomed by the ES team with literally open arms, "Amanda!" it was like we were old friends. we were offered delicious fruit-infused water & glasses of white wine spritzer upon arrival. the tables were covered in linen with natural wood blocks lined in lit candles. jars full of muted flowers sprinkled the tables. it was perfect.

we introduced ourselves to the other ladies & swap stories of uber drivers & disbelief that we were really there & that this was really happening. (a constant theme throughout this trip.) the hum of good conversation filled the room. the smell of barbecue wafted over our tables. we found seats & began to eat & we continued recanting about our lives, quickly realizing how serendipitously connected we all seemed to be.  the beauty of meeting new people. our worlds simultaneously getting smaller.

can i just move in already???

the photo shoot

i made a friend. actually a made quite a few. but mollie, from atlanta & her mother, offered to pick me up saturday morning for our photo shoot. this was such a big deal to me--not having to deal with finding an uber at 7 a.m. plus just feeling good about riding with a new pal. "southern hospitality" as mollie's mom put it in her adorable southern drawl.

so, we all meet at the studio & load up in one of those 15 passenger vans & liz's (of elizabeth suzann) parents drive us to the photo shoot location. they are DARLING. i love them. we have a yummy breakfast spread waiting on us.

there are 13 ladies participating in the ES diversity campaign. we are assigned 3 to a dressing room & each group is given an ES team member as our "rep" for the day. they are there to make sure everything runs smooth for us, for them, for everyone. i got alfie. what a gem. he could NOT have been more attentive & supportive throughout the whole day. i was fighting a headache all day (he got me ibuprofen & diet coke). my pants were too long (he hand-sewed them up on the spot). i could go on. any nerves i had were gone. alfie, you're the bees knees.

i have so much i want to say about that whole day! such positive energy! the photographers making us feel like pros. the makeup artists that talked us through everything they were doing/thinking. the hair stylists jumping in before a shot was taken to brush our bangs, just right. the support staff singing, dancing & whistling for us while we posed like the title of america's next top model was on the line. and all the other ladies! i don't think we ever stopped smiling at each other! i couldn't help but feel a bit of divine intervention as the day fell into place so perfectly.

i look so happy! ha! this was taken at the end of the day. adrenaline may have been wearing off. diet coke! stat!

LIZ. such vision. what i love most about her (& her team/family) is her desire to go against traditional fashion rules/barriers & do what she feels needs to be done for ALL women out there. ALL. WOMEN. by creating pieces that are just across-the-board great garments means walking away from the distinction of demography. what's her niche? uh, women. i like to call her designs the magical clothes because they miraculously work for everyone. which is what this diversity campaign is all about. (new website & campaign reveal coming super soon!!! follow her on instagram for updates!) and i'm with her 110% when it comes to consciously producing & buying clothing. to say no to the constant nag of the industry to buy the new thing just because the season changed. saying no to a disposable view of clothing. saying yes to pieces that transition through the seasons easily through an intentional mix of layers, textures & fabrics. saying yes to pieces that stand the test of time & live on as they are passed along.

also, all of their garments are cut, sewn & packaged under one roof in tennessee, USA. god bless america & god bless liz.

the sightseeing

so my new friend mollie & her mom let me tag along with them as we (and turns out, a few other girls from the diversity campaign) checked out Two Son. pretty sick shop they have there. i grabbed a couple tees from them-one sporting "nashville, tn" as my sort of momento of visiting this inspiring city. but mostly i just tried stuff on & enjoyed their air conditioning.

after stopping here, mollie & her momma dropped me off at mas tacos. after the photo shoot, all i could think about was tacos. 

i am so hot.

tacos.

my feet hurt.

tacos.

i wish this headache would go away.

tacos. 

i was told by my airbnb host that this was the place to go for tacos.  after the full day i had surrounded by people, i was totally okay to eat alone & recoup some energy. i'm not real sure what i was expecting when i got to mas tacos, but i was totally into this hole-in-the-wall vibe (even if the bathroom door knob fell off in my hand). i had their fried avocado taco with shaved cabbage, onion & spicy dill yogurt sauce & the cast-iron chicken taco with skillet chicken, salsa verde & sour cream, as well as an order of fried plantains with sweet cream & pineapple cilantro agua fresca to drink. oh. my. heavens. i haven't stopped dreaming about this food since then. i didn't know tacos could taste that good. and who would have thought of the pineapple cilantro combo?! guys, please do me a favor & go there if you're in nashville. 

on a completely unrelated note: is it completely ridiculous to fly somewhere just for tacos? i'm asking for a friend.

this is my last uber, terry, who drove me to the airport. he was nice, but i gave him a bad review. he had a tip bag displayed & that's a no-no with uber. i am now publicly uber-shaming him here. bad mr. uber.

the aftermath

other than getting this crazy opportunity to go to nashville & work with ES, we also got these amazing gift bags with goodies from other nashville small business makers (#shopsmall), a $500 gift card to ES, all of our flying & airbnb costs taken care of, a georgia tee in flax (which was currently in my shopping cart) & of course the dinner, tour & photo shoot fun. not to mention meeting these 12 other amazing women. we all agree. it's still surreal.

now for the nitty gritty. 

please enjoy the ramblings of a 31 year old, curvy mom of 4:

this was all a bit overwhelming. 

my anxiety was through the roof preparing for this trip. 

things went better than expected. 

i didn't get lost. 

i didn't die. 

i didn't lose my phone. 

i feel like the world has been opened up to me since doing this. 

i could do anything.

wait.

who do you think YOU are?

i shouldn't have done this.

i'm not good enough.

i'm not fit enough.

why didn't i lose more of that baby weight?

why didn't i go to the gym more?

i shouldn't have told anyone about this.

i promised myself i wouldn't get this big.

i hope i didn't disappoint ES.

is there something wrong with how i look?

stop.

i should be more gentle with myself.

but...

i wonder what people are thinking of me?

why do i care??

i hope i don't look too big in these pictures.

i hope no one ever sees these pictures.

i wonder if the other ladies feel this way?

will i ever see them again?

what does my husband really think about all this.

my kids think this is amazing.

my teen daughter is proud of me. 

that's kind of amazing.

i can't believe how good God has been to me. 

not just for this specifically.

i don't feel worthy. 

the reality is, i've been all over the board with this. insecurities have set in & i'm my own worst critic. 

i've come to the realization that this is just where i'm at right now. i'm not at my ideal body weight. although, i don't know many women who feel that they are. maybe some do. but i refuse to stay in that toxic bubble inside my own head. the thing is...bodies change. they grow. they stretch. they shrink. they change. and my size now is not a reflection on who i am at my core. 

so truly, i'm proud that i was able to go to nashville & work with such an amazing company as elizabeth suzann. i'm proud that i had the honor of representing the curvy ladies who got some junk in their trunk who still want to LOOK GOOD & FEEL GOOD about their clothing. i'm proud to represent the ladies out there whose pant legs always drag the ground because of their height. i'm proud to show that veteran moms & moms still dealing with postpartum bodies can be beautiful & wear beautiful clothing. and while i'm at it, shout out to all my other redheads out there!

LADIES, WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. 

i finally feel like someone is looking out for ladies like me & i'm honored to call her liz.  

xoxo

#esdiversitycampaign #elizabethsuzann