thursday morning

there's not a lot i want these days.

today i just want to remember.

today i just want to remember.

olive at two. 

trying on her independence.

trying on clothes.

not needing clothes.

red hat her necessary accessory.

today i just want to remember.

the rays of sun on an cool, autumn morning. 

the light bouncing through the trees.

the dew on the cobwebs that formed overnight.

the quiet of a house just waking up.

the shine coming off the faucet at a sink full of dishes. 

today i just want to remember.

the round face toddler asking to sit on the counter.

obsessive.

it's all she wants.

perspective.

she wants to see.

to see what we see.

to be part of what we do a few feet higher.

is it different up there?

can i be a part of your morning?

nothing special.

but it's all so special.

our thursday morning.

gravity

today's my best friend's birthday.

this past year has been one of the hardest of my life. the addition of our fifth was, well, challenging. no, it IS challenging. can't lie. won't. it's been a rough transition. there's a lot on my (our) plate. i know i could NOT have made it this far without my best friend, my love, my husband. 

he gives me grace abundantly. 

he loves me when i'm unloveable. 

he loves me when i cannot love myself. 

i wrote this little poem of sorts in the middle of the night just weeks after our fifth was born. and by wrote, i mean it just came to me. every word in perfect order racing out of my brain. every once in a while, my heart overflows-typically in the quiet hours of the night when my thoughts become clear again-& i'm full of gratitude. undeserving love seeps from my pores & spills out of my eyes. 

i slid the sleeping babe from my arm, grabbed my phone & started typing this into my notes so not to forget my truth in that moment. 

today seemed like the perfect day to share the words...a gift to the one i love... 

He was home for her.

A rock on which to build.

A buoy on a stormy sea.

An imperfect pine, knotted but strong.

He was security.

A rest for her weary soul.

Her respite on a rainy night.

A warm fire.

She spins & he steadies.

He was gravity.

Holding her world in place.

For she was the world.

His whole world.

And he was hers.

xoxo my love

here's to many more years of ridiculous bliss.

tough as a mother

so it's mother's day.

a day set aside to honor those who have nurtured us, accepted us, loved us & gave us a swift kick in the behind when we've needed it, too.

all i really wanted this year was a picture of me & the kiddos...and flowers, lots of flowers...or plants in general, maybe some herbs...oh & chocolate covered strawberries...and to sleep in & eat out...oh, & to have this baby. 

am i the worst?

i'm the worst, right? 

geesh. 

anyway, we tried to grab a group photo before we headed off to church but the kids were not cooperating & it was time to go & i got aggravated & we just gave up. per the norm on many a sunday morn, we wrangled everyone into the van huffing & puffing. i love 'em, but that's the truth of it. 

anyway, we went to church, repented & gave the family pic another go in the park that's beside our church. it was seriously such a gloriously beautiful day. hence me currently writing this post on our back deck, barefoot, in my sun hat listening to the wind chimes while hubs plants the above mentioned flowers i received for mother's day. ;)

so, on the eve of me possibly giving birth again at any time, i have no deep longing to reflect on the wonders of motherhood, just a burning desire to share these sweet pics that i will treasure forever. 

the last mother's day as a mother of 4...

...unless, of course i have him today.

my last mother's day as a mother of 4. five kids. still doesn't seem real. 

we can't wait to meet ya little buddy.

shoutout to all my mother's out there. you all rock.

and shoutout to my baby daddy boo without whom i wouldn't be a mother. 

xo

hey look, it's a stretch mark

hi guys, it's me, amanda. did you forget i blog? i did. anyways, thanks for hanging around & checking in! here's what i've been up to...

so everyone's asleep & i'm doing my nightly facial routine (by nightly i mean i do it some nights when i feel like i need to get my skin under control).

[side note: why am i 31 & still dealing with acne. whyyyyyyyy.] 

as i put my hair up, i discover a brand new, bright & shiny stretch mark staring at me in the mirror. on the underside of my arm. there it is. i kinda stood there & just stared at it. kind of thinking, maybe i'll try wiping it off. then i started running through a list of things that require me to lift my arm that maybe i'll never do again in the presence of people. then, as though going through the stages of grief, i got angry. like, "can i not catch a break, here?!" "i thought the pregnancy shenanigans were over." "why is this happening to me?!" "maybe i'll finally get a tattoo & it can cover it up."

i guess that's the thing with motherhood. sometimes crap happens. i mean, sometimes you're literally dealing with crap. like the other night when i was co-bathing (i'm sure that's a thing) my sweet little baby girl & she decided to poop & then pee all over me. but sometimes you can be surprised by the daily crap that can get you down. like finding a shiny new stretch mark. leaving you with a sudden feeling of insecurity & despair.

i'll just say this:

i'll be the one waving hello to you with their white jiggly arm. i'll be the one throwing my baby in the air with my soft yet capable arms. i'll be the one hugging my oldest with my stretch-mark covered arms when she tells me goodnight.

my motto of late: life's too short.

too short to worry about the muscle to fat ratio of my arms. too short to worry about the number on the scale. too short to worry about all the things that haven't happened yet, but could happen & you think maybe you should worry about them, ya know, just in case.

well, in case you didn't already know, we have four kids & just found out we have another little one on the way.

we had our first child when i was still in high school & we wondered how in the world we were going to do it then.

after hubs & i got married, we were both in college full-time & decided we shouldn't wait any longer to give our firstborn a sibling. so i took a semester off & we had number 2. two kids in college without jobs...we wondered how we were going to do it.

not a month after graduating college, i got my first job. and not a month after that, we were surprised to find out we were expecting number 3. during which time, hubs had quit his job in sales to finally pursue a job in eduction. y'all, he was back to subbing. so 9 months into my first job & hubs taking sporadic work, i'm taking maternity leave & we're having number 3...we wondered how we were going to do it.

i'm guessing you see my point here.

a few years later, i quit my job to stay home with our two littlest ones & we were, once again, surprised by number 4. yes, surprised again! it can happen, okay?! one income & now 4 babes...how are we going to do this??

my point is, we always managed. no one ever went hungry. we always had a roof over our head. we always had clothes on our backs. and life's too dang short for this silly worrying.

each time we added a babe, changed jobs, bought cars, bought a house, we trusted in God's timing & provision. we sought his guidance & placed our faith in Him. having babies-or more specifically-getting pregnant isn't by random chance. every life given is allowed by Him. so we trusted that He knew what was up. and ya know what, things always worked out. thanks to Him.

now, here we are getting ready to add number 5 and still have just one income and to be honest, this is the first time when hubs & i are on the same page. we aren't worrying about how we're gonna do it. just trusting that God will walk us through it.

so what am i saying...

i'm not saying have 5 kids, although, BY ALL MEANS. but what i am saying is quit worrying about all those trivial things that literally mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. those stretch marks, those gray hairs, those wrinkles, those plus size jeans, those tiny paychecks, that old car, that unexpected baby...life's too short to worry. embrace life. turn your focus towards others. towards doing good. towards spreading love. let God work in you & your life. it's all about focus. keep your eyes on Him & the stormy waters will be as solid ground. I PROMISE the more you get to know Him, the more you will understand the love He has for you & the more you will be able to love yourself & others. and LOVE is what life is all about.

let go.
and let God.



peace & love, friends xo

womanhood + motherhood + living simply

          

as a woman, motherhood has been part of a self-evolution. i wasn't one who dreamed of having kids or ever thought about being a stay-at-home mom. i figured kids would happen one day...when i was ready. but life can be funny. motherhood came as a complete shock to me at the young age of 17. i was just starting my senior year of high school & i truly wasn't ready for it. i'm still not sure if we ever truly are. it wasn't until recently that i began to comprehend how much i wanted this. that motherhood wasn't something that just happened to me, but something i want for me. to be a mom. to share my life with these little souls. motherhood was something i grew into. that grew on me. 

simplification, as a mother, became a must. simplifying the way i dressed. simplifying my makeup routine. simplifying my hair upkeep. even simplifying my home & our belongings. all of which were adjustments made in hopes of making life a little easier, simpler. and if we were lucky, maybe it'd help us actually get out of the house on time. (HA.) but, for hubs & i, simplification became bigger than just those things. what about the simplification of our schedules? 

over the last 13 years, we've since added 3 more babes to our tribe. during those years, i graduated high school, started college, hubs started college, we both worked side jobs, we both graduated college, we both got full-time jobs, hubs started grad school, our babe started kindergarten, hubs finished grad school, we changed jobs & moved houses...we were busy, you get the picture. wanting to be the best parents we could be, we tried to give our oldest all the experiences life had to offer. we signed her up for everything: cheerleading, basketball, soccer, ballet, softball, talent shows, pretty baby contests, pageants, camps, 4-H...i could go on. as we added children, inevitably more activities filled our calendars. as hubs & i excelled at work, we were given more responsibilities, more conferences to attend, more professional development. as we became more rooted in our community, we joined clubs, we signed up for committees, we sat on boards. we were doing a whole lotta good, y'all.

and there's the rub. 

all those "good" things didn't mean things were "good." 

with all the activities & added responsibilities came a lot of stress, anxiety, guilt & even resentment between hubs & i. we were so busy with events, we barely had time for each other. we had to divide & conquer to get everyone to their activities. we were rarely able to do things together, as a family.

so we began to ask ourselves: how much do we actually value OUR time?

simplifying motherhood meant more than just simplifying my beauty regimen. it meant simplifying every aspect of our lives. for us, simplifying motherhood meant saying no. i started by saying no to my job. we took a leap of faith & i'm so glad we did. we, as a family, started saying no to extracurriculars. saying no to invitations. saying no to obligations. and we, as a family, had to learn to be okay with that. to be okay with maybe "missing out" on events. okay with maybe upsetting people. hoping that our friends, family & even co-workers would understand & respect our decision to respectfully decline. and let me tell ya, what a powerfully freeing feeling it was to start saying no. 

saying no, gave me the courage to start asking why. 

why the constant pressure to be BUSY? why do we feel like we have to do this or have to SIGN UP for that? why are we afraid of MISSING OUT? honestly, it's RARELY the kids who are wanting to do all these activities. what they crave is time WITH US. they want to feel accepted. they want to feel loved. they want to be seen & heard. they don't want the pressure of always having to perform or achieve something that if we're honest, is often for our own validation.  

let me say this: sports, clubs, social committees, etc. aren't bad. our oldest is in middle school & plays sports. our son played preschool tball. our daughter has done the soccer thing. the point is, we, as a family, discuss before committing to anything & constantly reevaluate what is working for us during that season of our life. it's about being intentional with our time. if something isn't working for YOUR family, change it.  if you wish you had more time at home, find it. if life feels like it's out of control, take control.

so i say to you, stressed-out-carpool-bleacher-mom-of-the-year, have courage. be confident in who you are & what you want for your family. be brave in making those hard & often times not-so-popular decisions. be kind with yourself. and the next time you feel the undeniable pressure to sign your kid up for little league soccer, feel free to say no. they'll be just fine without it.

word to yo mama. 

this is a little more like it

originally written in collab with Under a Tin Roof. 

check them out here!

happy mail with mom'n tot box!

oh man, what a crazy month august has been. i'm gonna blink & it will be september. olive & i are settling into a new routine as everyone headed back to school & i won't lie...it's been glorious. the quiet. it's just so good. and only having to think about the needs of one versus four has been a welcome relief for this mama. 

back to school shopping seemed to be such a breeze this year. thank the heavens for online shopping.  can i get an amen?! and coupon codes. and old navy cash. and clearance sales. and not having to deal with stores & fitting rooms & checkout lines & feeding the kids & loading and unloading a van...like i said, thank the heavens for online shopping. i get to sit at the house & let those sweet, little packages arrive like it's christmas in july...OR AUGUST. and who doesn't love a good mail day?! i am loving mail subscription boxes lately! have you guys ever tried them??

one year for mother's day, hubs signed me up for a 3-month subscription for a beauty box & it was seriously so fun. every month i got a box full of new health & beauty products to try. it was like getting a present every month! we recently found mom'n tot box through instagram & it's for KIDS & MOMS. heck to the yeayah. each box is specially curated according to your children's age, size & gender (up to age 4) & can even be done as a sibling box for 2! mom'n tot box is full of items from small, made in the USA, businesses which is one of my favorite favorite favorite things. 

#shopsmall y'all.

so we got our first mom'n tot box delivery & i let olive rip into her box. she LOVED...the bright, yellow tissue paper. lol. kids & tissue paper, what is with that??? then she found the tin full of beautiful crayons by childhoodlist. these crayons are handmade using natural, non-toxic & eco-friendly materials. and truth be told, olive's big sister was even more excited for the new, shiny box of crayons. i don't blame her--i'm a sucker for packaging, too. i couldn't help but think, these would be such great stocking stuffers (shhhh)! 

then i saw the grey arrow tee--gah. i immediately put this SUPER SOFT wild child tee on olive. it's from harris and fin & is made by sweet emily in indiana! as fast as this tee gets washed, it is back on. they have the most precious clothes in their etsy shop!

since receiving our box, i've been using the shampoo & body wash, baby cream & cuddle rub on olive & this mama cannot get enough of smelling that sweet baby. all these products are by grace mabel baby & smell so fresh & clean. they are a 100% safe & natural skincare line for kids, and again, made in the USA! their creator's name is amanda (what a beautiful name!) & you guys, she has such a heart for children & toxic-free living--you've got to check her out!

as for this mama, i got a bergamot & black pepper roll-on perfume/deodorant from cj & vox. it has the most comforting scent, a warm, clean citrusy roll on that i have been wearing...every...day. another perk: it's made with therapeutic grade essential oils which means, not only does it smell good but it has health benefits for ME. the bergamot is light & airy & is great for mental & physical stress, when i'm feeling down & especially great for THAT TIME OF THE MONTH. :) this roll on is also combined with black pepper essential oil which promotes an overall comforting feeling--that, let's be honest, i could always use. i carry it in our diaper tote so i can reapply quickly & easily wherever we are throughout the day.

i can honestly say, i CANNOT wait for next month's box! you MUST go for the 3-month subscription & tell me what you get in yours!

yay for moms helping moms & small business! go america.

be sure you click over to momandtotbox's instagram page & check out all the sweet photos of babes loving their new finds! tag @momandtotbox in any picture of your child in their clothing/accessories from your box for a chance to be featured & entered in a drawing for $10 off your box next month! suh-sweet!

sign up for your subscription NOW here & put back some of these amazing products for christmas!!!

happy mail day, friends!

(olive says yeah!)

365 days with an olive

i can specifically remember, not long after our olive was born, daydreaming about her first birthday.

you see, after 3 kids & 13 years worth of birthdays, it becomes very difficult to come up with new/original ideas for birthday parties. we had to start brainstorming early on this one.

emma & i were talking about books & movies we love & we both mentioned the secret garden (naturally). that tiny lightbulb above my head lit up like a christmas tree. olive's first birthday would be a secret garden theme. flowers & birdcages & silver & lace & tea cups. it was settled. and we started planning.

diy invites that we just loved, loved, loved

she was born may 21, 2015 ||

we celebrated her birthday one year to the day. since we're talking about spring in ohio, that could mean a myriad of weather conditions so we were holding our breaths the whole week. i was desperately set on having the party outside. i mean, it's a secret garden party...it cannot be INSIDE. naturally, the forecast called for rain. but i'm incredibly stubborn. henceforth, i did not start decorating until one hour before the party--convinced i would be able to pull this off outside. when the radar showed a slight opening in rain possibilities from 6-8pm-ish...game on. thankfully my mom & hubs let me boss them a bit & we got everything moved outside in a flash. (they love me for who i am, mmmmkay.)

so anyway, we made it through the food, jumped right into singing & cutting cake, and began opening presents. zip-a-dee-doo-dah. hurry, hurry, hurry. about halfway through gifts...raaaain. you should have seen olive's cute little face. her rapid blinking from the raindrops hitting her face. confusion about what exactly was happening to her & why no one was doing anything about it. hi, i'm stubborn. have we covered that yet? i thought maaaaybe the rain would stop & we could finish the gifts. that did not happen. thankfully, my dad who is THE most prepared person i know, had already began taking the food & decorations into the house. (GUYS he knew to save my vintage books first...what a gem.) so everyone grabbed their chairs, purses, gifts & children & ran inside. inside. to my quaint little 900 sq ft home. inside. to my like 10x14 living space & entryway. it became a very intimate party, very quickly. making memories, as my dad would say... 

that is one of the things i'm most thankful for--that spirit of spontaneity that he instilled in me. that attitude of everything's okay, even if it's all falling apart. roll with the punches, friends.

okay, so, more details...

decorating details: 

we used the silver serving trays & pitcher that had belonged to my grandma & late great grandmother on my dad's side; the jewelry in the trinket box also belonged to my late great grandmother (i love that these little pieces of our family were able to be a part of the celebration of this little life--even if the people themselves could not be there); the floral china was gifted to me by my grandma on my mother's side on our wedding day; olive's high chair was gifted to us by a former employee of my husband who told us it was over 100 years old & once belonged to the smucker's family; one of the side tables we used for serving was found on the side of the road by me; the table we used for the drinks was made by hubs; the lace table runners were lent to us by my mother & a friend; the same friend made the cakes for us; another friend made the ONE cake topper; the jars, bottles & vintage books were all items i previously thrifted; the CARDS suitcase i had made previously for a friend's wedding. 

gifting details: 

olive received a newborn cabbage patch doll; a vintage fisher-price barn, tractor & animals; a flamingo purse; a light-up nursery rhyme book; dresses; jam jams; swimsuits, shoes & more. from us? this plant romper by tiny cottons (below) & an inflatable pool for her & siblings to play in this summer. and when she was done opening presents, she stood & gave a standing ovation. everyone joined in on the clapping. they smiled. she smiled. i cried.

onto an obscene amount of first birthday party photos!!! roll that beautiful bean footage...

olive's secret garden birthday

other highlights:

-i am not a fan of the baby smash cakes but i'm really glad i got one because baby girl tore.it.up.

-i forgot to buy forks for the cake & miraculously had some plastic forks. not enough, but some. and had to use some of our metal forks. still not enough. so i didn't eat cake & took other people's plastic forks when they were done & washed them so other people had some. i told no one.

-my dad said it was the fanciest first birthday party he's ever been to. i took that as a compliment.

-my mom & dad then proceeded to tell me that no one came to MY first birthday & we all had an awkwardly sad laugh about that.

-as if it even matters, but i'm still kicking myself for forgetting a few of the decorations. no one knows but me. but i know. i know.

olive deering, 

you are completely & wholly adored. 

we cannot imagine our crazy tribe without your dimpled face.

everything you do is brand new.

as if no other baby has ever clapped before.

we've been waiting for you & we didn't even know it.

for the times you've been dropped, bopped or stepped on, we are sorry.

the amount of hugs & kisses you've received surely make up for that.

xo

your unostentatious mom, dad, bub & sisters

{ instagram tag #olivessecretgarden or check out our other birthdays with the tag #thebirthdayfiles }