what in the world is god doing

anybody else find themselves wondering this??

--especially the past few weeks--

we are living through a pivotal time in history. a time like no other. a time full of fear & uncertainty, of heartbreak & confusion. 

but, like, what IS god doing?

as followers of jesus, we know that god has a plan & a purpose for everything (jeremiah 29:11). we know that our way of thinking is not the same as how he thinks (isaiah 55:9). we believe we all have a part to play in god's big plan. but we really can't be an effective part of god's plan if we don't know what he's doing. we should often be asking ourselves, "what is god doing," and then ask ourselves, "what is my response to that?" 

if someone were to ask us, as followers of jesus, "what is god doing letting this all happen right now?" what would our response be? i think it's important we have a response ready & a promise to rely on.

one thing we can all agree upon is that life is a mystery to us. our own lives are a mystery to us. our lives have not always gone according to planned (proverbs 19:21). heck, my morning didn't go according to plan. we each have a plan for the way we see our life going & we can easily get stuck living in our own little stories rather than keeping the perspective that our little story is a working part of god's big story...which is why we have to regularly be asking ourselves, "what is god doing" and "what is my response to that?" 

in 1 peter 1:3-9 we find a plot summary of god's big story of redemption. in verse 3 peter mentions the "past" & in verses 4-6 peter focuses on the "now." this is so important to us because it is often in the "now" where we lose our way. we're constantly looking back through our lives & dwelling on our past disappointments, our past frustrations. living in the "now" can be harder than we think. if we get trapped focusing on our past, we can miss what god is doing in the present. 

a key component of god's big story of redemption, is that god doesn't leave us as we are. that's his redemptive love at work. it wouldn't be love or grace for god to leave us to ourselves. "we often think of grace as a pillow, a cool drink of water, or arms that carry us...maybe grace puts us in places where we feel unable & foolish & needy because THAT grace wants to form things in us that would never be formed in our terminally self-reliant state" -paul david tripp. we often want the grace of relief or release "now" when really what we need "now" is the grace of refinement. that's the gift of "uncomfortable grace."

god allows trials to enter our lives because of his redemptive love. i think we give satan too much credit. trials are inevitable in a believers life. we shouldn't be surprised when hardships come our way. being a follower of jesus, isn't a one-way ticket to easy street. it's quite the opposite--but for good reason! god will take us where we do not want to go to produce in us what we could not achieve on our own. he has to drive us past ourselves--past our own self-reliance--so we will turn to him. 

during difficult times god is doing two things:

1. releasing me from my reliance on me

2. releasing me from my reliance on things of this world

while god most definitely built glory into his created world, the things of this world are only meant to point back to god (colossians 1:16). the beauty all around us in springtime is captivating, but we can't be left worshipping the flowering plant because it's only a sign to remind us of the glory of the creator. it's easy for us, as humans, to get caught up with what's in front of our face, things that are tangible. but this is why god allows trials to enter our lives...to loosen our grip on creation so we can reach for our creator.

anyone feel like their grip on the things of this world has been loosen over the past couple weeks? anyone really leaning into their spiritual walk in the middle of this pandemic? i think we can see where god's hand is at work here. we are living in a time of uncomfortable grace. 

that is his redemptive plan.

that is what god is doing.

you see, we live for comfort & ease & pleasure & predictability. true? yes. i think many would go as far as to describe this as the "american dream." 

marry a good person.

raise great kids.

work a good job.

live in a nice house.

die quickly, without pain.

we want control. we want easy. we want nothing to do with messy or hard.

this world is broken.

as a nation, we chase success & money & influence. we have made idols of celebrities & athletes & even our children. as followers of jesus, we have forgotten the command to seek & advance god's kingdom through discipleship. we have sacrificed the things of god to fill our lives with the things of this world--when really it should be the other way around. sin is a part of our life on earth. struggle & strife are guaranteed. but praise god he uses the brokenness of this world, as an instrument of grace. 

as it says in romans 8:28-39, we know that god works all things for good to those who love him. we know that if god is for us, nothing can stand against us. and we find the promise that nothing can separate us from the love of christ and that even in death, we are conquerers through him who loved us. we have these promises to stand on as we face a world full of uncertainty & fear.

sooo what is god doing?? 

"he's working in us a massive, radical, personal heart change & difficulty is one of his prime tools which allows us to abandon self reliance so we can find god's glory."

-paul david tripp

as a follower of jesus, as a child of god, we don't have to fear the unknown, we don't have to panic in the chaos, we don't have to cower in the face of hardship...because we know what god is doing...and it's for our good...let us give him the glory, in all things.

sources: your walk is a community project study by paul david tripp

finding christ in corona

anxiety becoming an unwanted visitor for me in the last few days, what a relief it was to hear that while my feelings are valid, they do not have to define me, they cannot restrict me & they will not defeat me. 

______________________________________________________

Data log

Day number 42

Coronavirus

USA

Mandatory social distancing

Suggested nationwide quarantine 

this is totally what i hear in my mind as i attempt to make any sense of the last few days. militant. strategic. serious. overwhelming. unreal.

what is even happening right now??
anyone still in shock??
anyone seeing this stuff in their dreams??
surely this is almost over??

the reality being, it's been less than a week since things really started to unfold here in the states. and oh how things have changed within these last seven days. 

i'll admit...it took me a few minutes to quiet myself before coming to god this afternoon. so many thoughts and feelings and opinions and stats and press conferences and grocery lists and homework and bills and charts and worries. i find that journaling helps bring some order to my often times whirling mind, so i started listing all the feelings i was experiencing. the bad with the good. then i combated each fear i wrote with a promise from god's word & i wrote a truth beside each of the positive things i was feeling. getting it all out helped.

after some time just talking with god (man, is he a good listener), i opened my raggedy bible to 2 peter, fully intending to continue a study i'm currently doing there, when i saw the words "humility + anxiety" scribbled at the top of the page. they were past notes of mine referencing 1 peter 5:6-11 & as i read these verses i thought, "these words are a sure explanation of the current times."

peter's words in this passage seared me. they seemed written for today. but isn't that just the way of god's living word. same today, yesterday & forever. what a comfort. let these word hug you. let god's word hold you. 

take a moment & really soak up what 1 peter 5:6-11 has to tell us...

this is peter talking to the elders on how to lead the flock. let us listen to this instruction for believers & see how we can apply it. 

6 key words from these 6 verses: humility, anxiety, alert, resist, suffered & dominion. 

here's a little more on what each verse is telling us...

1. humility--our humility in service is a testament that our god can be trusted to give us the recognition we all long for...when the time is right. humility not being a symbol for weakness but quite the opposite...it's strength under control. we have to fully appreciate & embrace who we are in relationship to who god is. (verse 6)

2. anxiety--then in humility, we hand over our anxieties to our father in heaven because he cares for us. and if we believe this to be true, then we can rest knowing god loves us & wants the best for us.  it's especially hard when things are out of our control & uncertain, but we can rely completely on our god, quieting the worries of our heart. (verse 7)

3. alert--a "sober spirit" means we are to remain clear minded, actively looking out for our enemy, the devil. we cannot waste our precious time sitting with our worries. let us not be caught unprepared! let us be found in his word readying ourselves for battle everyday. (verse 8)

4. resist--we must resist the devil. so many snares & pitfalls even when alert. whether it be unrighteous anger towards others or us reacting out of fear rather than faith. but how are we supposed to resist the devil?? by focusing on our faith & trusting god's promises. we should look at these words as a challenge & a cheer for us not to give up. to put in the hard work for christ. (verse 9)

5. suffered--we find here a promise for believers who resist the devil as he tries to destroy the church through suffering. suffering? sound like anything we may be experiencing right now?? the hope we can claim in god is that our suffering won't last forever for the believer. and bonus, we are not alone in our struggles. that right there gives me peace, "but wait, there's more!" in true god-like fashion, he takes care of us abundantly more. oh, the precious gift of grace. the god of all grace. as believers through christ we have the assurance that our suffering will never be in vain. any suffering on earth, for followers of christ, is there to bring about restraint, strength & steadfastness. suffering, for us, is actually meant to produce spiritual fruit, as a refining fire--meaning instead of coming out of it beaten down, we come out stronger--perfected through christ. (see 1 peter 1:6-7) wowza. (verse 10)

6. dominion--don't miss this important reminder. we are told here that god has the ultimate power. and why is that especially important to us?? because that's how we can know for sure that god will keep the promise we find in verse 10. he is sovereign. this is an anchor for every believer. we must stay firm in our faith--even in hard days. (verse 11)

so good, you guys.

all of this, woven together, so beautifully, to work for our benefit as followers of christ.

our anxiety is no surprise.
we are given help on how to deal with it.
our suffering won't last forever.
we are not alone.
our suffering makes us stronger.
we are reassured that this promise will be kept because of who made it.

*praise hands*


anxiety becoming an unwanted visitor for me in the last few days, what a relief it was to hear that while my feelings are valid, they do not have to define me, they cannot restrict me & they will not defeat me. as long as i remain steadfast in christ, i have hope of defeating the enemy & will come out stronger no matter what hardships i may endure.


what a timely passage during this strange time of struggle & uncertainty. 

prayers you find all the toilet paper.

air hugs from six feet away.

**goes to wash hands...again**



xo amanda

[this post was not sponsored by daylight donuts. but i whole-heartedly endorse them.]

[note: the letter "g" doesn't work on my laptop anymore lol so i am copy & pasting every time i use that letter...hence all lowercase "god"s.]

can you be friends with your teenage kid?

i found myself gifted with the very rare & elusive afternoon alone.

i knew it wouldn't last long but there i was. husband at work. one kid gone. one kid working. one kid sick in bed. two babes sleeping. what was i to do. seriously. i stood in the kitchen for a few minutes. the laundry was already going. do i clean the house in peace? log some much-welcomed mom time on netflix? 

i find when i have even a few minutes of quiet that i can once again hear myself. faint & often frazzled but i'm in there. 

as i stood in the middle of our kitchen floor with no one needing anything & nothing imperative to do, the words came quick & i began journaling through my jumbled thoughts.

our oldest had just left for a babysitting job & as much as i relish hanging out with her in the summertime, she's still an added energy presence to the craziness that is our house in the summer. it's that thought that stopped me. how much i have genuinely loved hanging out with her lately. i thought about how our relationship has evolved as she's gotten older. it's not better or worse than the connection i have with our other kids, just different. maturity has lent us a lot of shared interests & intriguing thoughts. we have inside jokes, similar taste in music & movies, like to talk fashion & even politics. while i don't share everything with her, i am able to share a bit more of life in hopes of instilling important insights into adulthood. as much as my initial instinct is to shield her from every hurtful comment or difficult decision, it's not real. that's not life. 

she needs to hear about some of the bad & know that just because i have a bad day, doesn't mean i have a bad life. that just because something terrible happened, doesn't mean i have to collapse. she needs to be taught forgiveness without expectation, how to set healthy boundaries in relationships, that you must accept grace to give it, that life is about balance, that she doesn't have to be the best, that messing up is human, that giving up should only mean giving it to God. she needs to know that as a child of God, she has eternal hope, unconditional love & a river of forgiveness that stretches on forever.

over the last 15 years of motherhood, i have learned a lot about myself. and honestly, surprisingly so. i feel that at any given time in our life, we feel pretty sure of ourselves. we think we know who we are. we feel that we've arrived. we feel we have things figured out. only to realize over time that finding who we are was never really an end destination but a constant evolution. a constant rediscovering of oneself. of learning & growing. of stretching our bones. 

one thing i have learned & accepted is that i'm not perpetually well-equipped for every stage of life. what i mean is, while i whole-heartedly adore my babies, toddlers are more my forte. while i can engage & direct my middle school babes, high school is where i feel i thrive. and that's okay. and accepting that has been very freeing. and honestly it's been a beautiful process. for the places i feel i fall short, my husband soars. and i can see the grand design for a marriage of two. a compliment. a completion.

but while i stood in our kitchen on a thursday afternoon in june, this one question kept rattling around in my mind, am i allowed to be friends with my teenage daughter?

i've heard the answer my whole life. 

no. 

you can't be her friend. 

you need to be her mother. 

she has enough friends.

she needs boundaries, not a "yes (wo)man".

as if one cannot be both. if you are your child's friend, then you must not be a very good mother. if you're being a good mother, then friendship with your child will be lost on you. it's like i was trained to think this way. or brainwashed. whether i really thought about it-or believed it to be true-or not. and not by my own mother because i always considered my mom my friend-without compromise. maybe some mom started all this after her friend betty was trying to be the "cool mom" & let her kids do whatever they wanted out of her own fear of rejection or isolation. 

i don't know. 

what i do know is if you want to grow a relationship, sharing is important. sharing time. sharing life. sharing the precious pearls each of us carry inside. scars from broken hearts. regret from poor choices. embarrassing moments of growth. if you want to get closer to someone, you do that by giving a piece of yourself to them. forever threading your two hearts with an invisible string of trust. so i share precious memories & my everyday struggles with our teenage daughter. always appropriately for her maturity level.  never compromising my sacred marital covenant. always to the best of my maternal awareness. 

my problem is, i just can't get on board with any of this you-can't-be-her-friend stuff.

i 1,000% consider our teenage daughter my friend. and i cannot wait for future friendships to unfold with each of my children. while the details & definition of our mother/child friendships won't be the same as my husband & i's or the same as my adult female best friends, our friendships will assuredly be there. present & full of boundaries & rules & consequences when necessary. i mean, isn't that how a good friendship works? when one of you falls short, the other is there with outstretched arms. when one of you loses their way, the other texts you the gps location. you share knowing looks. you know each other's drink order. you accept each other for who you are & who you are not. you speak without fear of rejection. an intimate relationship built on tear-stained shoulders & sound embraces.

today i am thankful for that moment of quiet. and yes, it didn't last long before baby by baby they awoke from their naps & little needs needed to be met. and maybe no one but me has ever thought about this or maybe i'm way off base. maybe you think this can't be done or maybe you've just never seen it modeled, but as for me and my house, we will continue being friends with our kids.

my only request is that you please don't call me betty.

xo

hey look, it's a stretch mark

hi guys, it's me, amanda. did you forget i blog? i did. anyways, thanks for hanging around & checking in! here's what i've been up to...

so everyone's asleep & i'm doing my nightly facial routine (by nightly i mean i do it some nights when i feel like i need to get my skin under control).

[side note: why am i 31 & still dealing with acne. whyyyyyyyy.] 

as i put my hair up, i discover a brand new, bright & shiny stretch mark staring at me in the mirror. on the underside of my arm. there it is. i kinda stood there & just stared at it. kind of thinking, maybe i'll try wiping it off. then i started running through a list of things that require me to lift my arm that maybe i'll never do again in the presence of people. then, as though going through the stages of grief, i got angry. like, "can i not catch a break, here?!" "i thought the pregnancy shenanigans were over." "why is this happening to me?!" "maybe i'll finally get a tattoo & it can cover it up."

i guess that's the thing with motherhood. sometimes crap happens. i mean, sometimes you're literally dealing with crap. like the other night when i was co-bathing (i'm sure that's a thing) my sweet little baby girl & she decided to poop & then pee all over me. but sometimes you can be surprised by the daily crap that can get you down. like finding a shiny new stretch mark. leaving you with a sudden feeling of insecurity & despair.

i'll just say this:

i'll be the one waving hello to you with their white jiggly arm. i'll be the one throwing my baby in the air with my soft yet capable arms. i'll be the one hugging my oldest with my stretch-mark covered arms when she tells me goodnight.

my motto of late: life's too short.

too short to worry about the muscle to fat ratio of my arms. too short to worry about the number on the scale. too short to worry about all the things that haven't happened yet, but could happen & you think maybe you should worry about them, ya know, just in case.

well, in case you didn't already know, we have four kids & just found out we have another little one on the way.

we had our first child when i was still in high school & we wondered how in the world we were going to do it then.

after hubs & i got married, we were both in college full-time & decided we shouldn't wait any longer to give our firstborn a sibling. so i took a semester off & we had number 2. two kids in college without jobs...we wondered how we were going to do it.

not a month after graduating college, i got my first job. and not a month after that, we were surprised to find out we were expecting number 3. during which time, hubs had quit his job in sales to finally pursue a job in eduction. y'all, he was back to subbing. so 9 months into my first job & hubs taking sporadic work, i'm taking maternity leave & we're having number 3...we wondered how we were going to do it.

i'm guessing you see my point here.

a few years later, i quit my job to stay home with our two littlest ones & we were, once again, surprised by number 4. yes, surprised again! it can happen, okay?! one income & now 4 babes...how are we going to do this??

my point is, we always managed. no one ever went hungry. we always had a roof over our head. we always had clothes on our backs. and life's too dang short for this silly worrying.

each time we added a babe, changed jobs, bought cars, bought a house, we trusted in God's timing & provision. we sought his guidance & placed our faith in Him. having babies-or more specifically-getting pregnant isn't by random chance. every life given is allowed by Him. so we trusted that He knew what was up. and ya know what, things always worked out. thanks to Him.

now, here we are getting ready to add number 5 and still have just one income and to be honest, this is the first time when hubs & i are on the same page. we aren't worrying about how we're gonna do it. just trusting that God will walk us through it.

so what am i saying...

i'm not saying have 5 kids, although, BY ALL MEANS. but what i am saying is quit worrying about all those trivial things that literally mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. those stretch marks, those gray hairs, those wrinkles, those plus size jeans, those tiny paychecks, that old car, that unexpected baby...life's too short to worry. embrace life. turn your focus towards others. towards doing good. towards spreading love. let God work in you & your life. it's all about focus. keep your eyes on Him & the stormy waters will be as solid ground. I PROMISE the more you get to know Him, the more you will understand the love He has for you & the more you will be able to love yourself & others. and LOVE is what life is all about.

let go.
and let God.



peace & love, friends xo

are you a good enough mother?

there's something i've been meaning to say. something i've been wanting to talk about. and after reading a recent post on my instagram feed, i am finally ready to write about it.

motherhood.

i know. so broad. so limited. sooo talked about. soooo blogged about. i know...

it's something some are surprised with. it's something some dream about. it's something very different for each mother. and yet, it's still very much the same. 

for some it's biological. for some it's spiritual. 

and yes, you can be a "mother" without physically carrying a child. and no, i'm not even talking as far as adoption or fostering (which require some amazing mommas)--but just by mentoring a life & fulfilling that role as nurturer can bring you into that wondrously unknown realm of motherhood.

that being said, it's obvious that we ALL (man or woman) experience life differently. each of us have our own paths. each of us have our own needs, perspectives, struggles & triumphs. while many of us may come from similar backgrounds-maybe growing up in the same era, we still have distinctive circumstances that we have each had to deal with that shaped who we are today. bottom line: none of us go through this world the same way. 

why would motherhood be any different?

i want to say that motherhood is different today than it may have been for our mothers & grandmothers. what with technology & social media & such. and to a degree, yes, it is. but we all still struggle with "doing what's best" for our children. and while many childrearing methods come & go in popularity/acceptability, it still remains that most of the time we're all just trying to...let's admit it, keep our head above water.

the interesting factor for today's mom is the social media component of our lives. everything is right there. in yo face. day in. day out. all day. all night. and i know i be checking my multiple apps many times-daily...amiright?? that's where we have to be careful. COMPARISON. ick.

fo real. 

we compare what we feed our kids. we compare if we're living green enough. we compare how we correct our children's behavior. we compare our kids grades. we compare our children's athletic abilities.

i have friends who breastfeed. i have friends who bottle-feed.

i have friends who homeschool. i have friends whose children attend public school.

i have friends that spank. i have friends who don't.

i have friends who eat dye-free, nut-free and gluten free. i have friends who eat organic. i have friends whose kids eat off the van floor (that may be me).

i have friends who use essential oils. i have friends who don't know what that is.

i have friends who clothe diaper--no, i don't really--at least i don't think, but it sounds very interesting.

some of us are constricted financially by what we can do for our kids. some of us are in busy seasons of life. some of us are working outside the home. some of us are working from the home. some of us are just working to get out of bed in the morning (again, me). and some of us...are going it alone. 

the point is, we all mother differently, BUT we all LOVE just as much. 

and i love each of those dear friends above & i know without a shadow of a doubt that they all love their babies fiercely. my babies were bottle-fed, have attended public and private schools, have all been spanked, and 2 out of the 3 used a binky for probably too long. and yes, i want to try breastfeeding with this new baby. and yes, i've been buying more organic foods. and yes, we've been using essential oils since november. but the truth is, we are all trying to figure this motherhood thing out. we all love our kids. our achievement of being a "good" mom isn't measured by how many "good" things we can check off of some phantom motherhood list. 

just as we have our own paths in life, each of our children have their own paths in life. none of them are carved from the same stone. so with each new little life, we, as mothers, are met with all new challenges. i have 3 kids now & what worked for the first doesn't always work for the third (actually it rarely does). they. are. different. 

so, motherhood. 

we're all in this together, girls. let's support each other--no matter which stance we take on fast food or the amount of screen time is acceptable for kids. let's love on each other. uplift each other when we don't know what in the world we're doing. (am i scarring my children for life??) let's quit the comparison game for our own sake. judge less & accept more. and if we read an awesome blog post about homeschooling, let's applaud that mom for finding something that works for their family--and not assume we should have done the same. 

if i've learned anything from having our 3 littles over the last 12 years, it's that there are seasons in our lives. seasons when it's slow & we feel like we can do more with our kids. seasons when our kids were still babies & we were just trying to get by. seasons when our marriage was hard making everything more difficult. seasons when our walks with God made everything so much sweeter. seasons come & go & change & we change with them. but under it all, we just want our kids to know they are safe & treasured & loved...no matter what. 

are you a good enough mother? 

i mean, what does that even mean??

sister, you got this! i don't care if you haven't showered. i don't care if you are still wearing your pajamas...from last week (am i the only one?? i'm just saving water.). i don't care if you're still carrying around that baby weight (and your baby is now 10). it does not matter. you are loved. perfectly. by God. you were created perfectly for a purpose only YOU can fulfill. and while we hold ourselves up to some kind of standard that is often based on the lives of others, we are missing what's really important:  the eyes of those littles who know nothing of such a standard. all they see is THEIR mom...

"she makes my favorite meal & washes my favorite pjs. she gives me the best hugs & knows all the songs from Frozen. how did she get so good at singing?? she takes so many pictures of me--she says i'm beautiful. she helps me with my homework-even though she hates math. she let us have a cat-even though she's allergic. she gives me the warmest baths & my hair smells so good. she knows i eat red apples-not green & green grapes-not red. and if i get to sleep in her bed, the nightmares go away. how does she do it all?? i know she is magic."

so, friends, let's remember who we're really doing (the crafts, the projects, the late nights, the baking, the class parties) this for. for those little people who can't wait to wake up to see you. who find you first thing when they get home from school to tell you every detail about their day. let's wake up each day realizing that our joy of motherhood can be reclaimed. because it doesn't last, you see. days turn to months. months turn to years. days become graduation days & then wedding days. and before you know it, your babies will be having babies of their own...and guess what...

...guess who they'll be calling for advice...

that mom you see in the mirror. the one with dirty hair & bags under her eyes. the one who thought she knew nothing. the one who thought she wasn't enough. 

she was. 

she was exactly what that baby needed. exactly who that teen needed. and she'll be exactly what that new mom or dad will want. and you know what you'll tell them...

just love them, honey. hold them tight & kiss them often. yell, but say i'm sorry. cry, but remember to smile. laugh with them & laugh at yourself. 

we're all going to be alright. 

To Emma, Kennedy & Lincoln:  may I never forget what a privilege it is to be your mom.

To Baby Girl on the way:  I can't wait to meet you, love you & try my best to give you what God wants for you.

xo

Christmas 2014

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Proverbs 17:22 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 

why i'm afraid of baby

hey, how bout some more baby bump pics?? okay, no problem. 

these were actually taken the week before the blizzard of 2015 hit. you can still see leftover snow in the last pic from the previous snow. i guess here in ohio, our winter doesn't like to show up until the last minute. it makes for an awkward (and incredibly short) spring. 

by baby number 4 i guess i thought i'd have it figured out. or at the least, know what to expect. or at the least least, feel prepared. but the reality is, i feel more unsure than ever. 

at this point my fear over the inevitable lack of sleep that comes with a newborn has become irrational. sleep is important to me, people. and then i just KNOW i won't be able to breastfeed baby girl enough OR that i won't be able to keep up with all 4 littles and each of their needs. yes, i know we shouldn't worry and i'm normally not a worrier, but i can't help but think, can we really do this?? i mean, do you know how long it takes us 5 to get out the door at this point? we may never make it anywhere again--and definitely never on time! and since we're talking about worry...i worry about what i'm putting my kids through with each new addition. for instance:

i was talking generally about bedroom plans and happened to mention, "if we have anymore, we can put them..." our oldest was listening & stopped me right there, "you're having more??" guys, you should've seen the look in her eyes. she may not have meant it the same way i took it, but it took the wind out of me. has this been too much for her? i know she's the oldest and often does the most to help, but for the first time...i was worried for her. worried she may resent us. resent her siblings. oh geesh. yep, i ran with it. that's the problem with worry, though, isn't it? we let our minds wonder about things that have yet to happen and we speculate over things that we don't know. it's kinda dumb. but it's real. and when it happens, i have to SHUT. IT. DOWN. that stuff can ruin you.

also with every new little life, there's this shift in our family dynamics.

with every new baby-with every new life force-our family changes. it's interesting to see how each child reacts to these changes. to see what role they grow into in our family. i can already see our baby boy becoming the big brother--he talks to her in my belly, tells us what he's going to teach her, thinks of her when we're shopping--it's one of the sweetest things to watch.

but i guess that's the magical part of it. what you didn't know was missing is now found. this piece of your life that you've been waiting for...and didn't even know it. and because i know every life is given by God, i know it's all part of His plan. i know that with every addition it changes each us...but it's bringing us closer to who we're meant to be. who we were planned to be since the beginning. while circumstances may surprise us, it doesn't surprise God. while changes may be hard for us, it's because He planned it that way. to mold us. to strengthen us. to give us experiences that we can then share with others. to empathize. to love. because when all the layers of struggle & worry are peeled away, what's left is love. the love God has for us. the love we are to have towards others. 

i thought that with every child, my love would have to be "divided" amongst them. but the reality is, God gives us the ability to "multiply" our love. it doesn't get dissected, it GROWS.

PRAYING GOD'S WORD OVER OUR CHILDREN: 

God, may I want nothing greater for my children than that they should be taught by You, established on a foundation of righteousness (Isa. 54:13-14). May I faithfully tell them of Your might and the wonderful works You have performed, that they might put their confidence in You--that they might become a generation whose heart is loyal and whose spirit is faithful to You (Ps. 78:4,7-8). Beth Moore, David

a confession & a message of hope

this message brought to you by emma

recently a friend of mine got some difficult & scary news about her sweet momma. and when she texted me to pray, i was on it. i quickly let some prayer warriors know (if you don't know any, get some) to start praying. when i went to text her back, i found myself without words. nothing to reply with. weird for me. i'm almost never without words (just ask my husband). but seriously, nothing. and when i told my husband i didn't know what to say to her i assumed it was because of the shock of the news; but truly, it was because my well was dry. i, myself, had not been faithfully seeking God. 

after our bible study finished this summer, i had planned to read a few new books i had picked up & had multiple places in the bible i wanted to study. just as satan would have it, i did none of it. one day of busyness, turned to two. two days turned to three and soon i had a whole new "routine"...and it didn't include a quiet time. 

it's a constant battle. 

me vs. myself.

me vs. Satan.

me vs. the world

i won't win through my own strength. 

i must seek His strength.

then the victory is ours.  

and the glory is His.

i mean really:

can i be disciplined enough to meet with God daily? 

can i sacrifice time out of my day for Him who sacrificed everything for me? 

how can we minister to others if we aren't in communion with Him?

when i'm not seeking him daily, life is full of chaos. full of despair. full of anger & loneliness. life seems clouded and without purpose, BUT when i'm in Him...

there is hope. 

there is grace. 

there is a chance for forgiveness. 

there is purpose in the storms. 

there is reason for the trails. 

there is light in the darkness. 

and, today, when i broke down & opened my heart in a prayer of repentance & thankfulness, it was there...that fresh breath of HOPE. it was there in the song i heard on the radio. it was there in the bible verse i just happened to see on my daughter's bedroom wall. and it would be there in the text message i was about to send my friend: HOPE.

i prayed & searched the scriptures. then i stopped & just reached for Him...tired & thirsty & heavyhearted. and He held me. {Romans 8:26} my well was filling. my eyes were filling. my once dry well was overflowing. 

i was overflowing with grace. 

i was overflowing with thankfulness.

i was overflowing with humility in repentance.

i was overflowing with praise. 

i have spent the last two weeks in utter frustration with our daughter. Her ADHD is getting the better of her (and us). she's been off medication for a couple of years now (thank you Jesus) but between a new school this year, joining volleyball, homework, getting a new dog, her chores...i think it has been a lot of change for her to deal with all at once. i wanted her to try harder and focus better. and i found myself being that parent i'm always complaining about in the movies (and in real life) who constantly pushes their kid instead of guiding in patience & in love. i was getting aggravated and angry and resentful towards her. then i felt guilty for feeling & acting that way. 

you see...she's a sweet child with a heart for Christ, but she sure hasn't seen Christ in me the past couple of weeks. i am so thankful that when i fall short, she knows to turn to Christ who will never fail her. what a humbling experience to walk into her room this morning and see that message & verse wrote on her wall. she gave me HOPE.

i know God allowed these last two trying weeks to happen for a purpose but i reacted like a spoiled child throwing a hissy fit, crossing my arms & pouting in the corner, alone. i had no grace to extend to our daughter because i wasn't accepting His grace in my life. i wasn't seeking His face. i wasn't seeking His strength. i was living in my own feelings & that's one of the worse things we can do as a follower of Christ. living in my feelings will always lead me away from Christ & further into darkness. i need to live through my faith not through my feelings.

i am constantly reminded that i can't get through this life on my own. i mean, i can, but i would be in a constant state of emergency. 

we can't live in victory if we're stuck in defeat. 

and Satan wants to defeat us...no, he wants to completely destroy us. he wants to keep us depressed, insecure & removed from others. it's easier for him to whisper his lies into our ears when we are vulnerable & alone. he wants us to live in bondage. he wants to rob us of HOPE. he doesn't want us to live in the freedom that Christ offers. he wants our relationships to fail & our lives to crumble. he wants us to live selfishly & stuff our lives with things that fill us, instead of that which truly feeds us. 

then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." {John 6:35}

i praise Jesus for i never have to thirst.
i praise Jesus for His love, His grace & His HOPE.
i praise Jesus for never leaving me & for patiently waiting on me (over & over) to return to Him.
i praise Jesus for life's trials that often bring us back to Him.
i praise Jesus for His perfect plan in our lives.

Seek The Lord and

Seek His strength

Seek His face

Continually

Psalms 105:4

*** if you have a moment, join me in prayer for my friend's mother. she is a faithful follower of Christ & has given this situation over to God. we pray for strength, answers, healing & for all members of the family who are also being touched by this. 

am i good enough for heaven?

(disclaimer: no one has it all figured out. no one.)

how do i know if i'm good enough for heaven?
what do i believe?

why do i believe that?

because my parents believe that way?

because my church believes that way?

because I've always believed that way?

yes, i know it's been a little slow on the blog posting lately. i hear that's normal. can i blame my kids? i think i will. it's summer. they're all home (including hubs) and routine has went right out the window. regardless, some big thoughts have been stirring inside of me...questions, convictions, etc. i've spent a lot of time in the Bible. spent some time looking through old notes. spent time researching many (MANY) articles online. spent time talking with others on the matter. and now, the rest of the story...

i knew Jesus came to this earth to die for me and that he loved me unconditionally at the very young age of 5. the simple, profound truth of the gospel penetrated my heart & with childlike faith, i believed in Jesus & the Holy Spirit came into my heart forever. i never doubted my salvation & i never doubted it was forever.

faith has always come easy for me. i consider it a spiritual gift. i've never questioned God's sovereignty. but more & more in this season in my life I've found myself questioning...not questioning as in doubting the truth of God's word, but questioning to show myself approved...to accurately handle the word of truth. wanting to be able to more fully understand & love my God. to be able to defend, follow & share His word.

in 2 timothy 2:15 it says to study to show thyself approved, meaning i need to study the Word. "i" need to know what it says so when someone tells me differently...i will know if it comes from the truth of the Word or from the word of man.

in ephesians 4:14 it says we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming. we better know what we know & why we believe it! for me, my faith is rooted in the truth of God's word.  

all of it. not just one verse. all of it. 

and it's not just "what i believe" but more like "what i know" because, friend, i KNOW God has worked some crazy stuff out in my life-there's no other explanation! and i KNOW He speaks to me. in that quiet, still voice inside of me. i wish i could dismiss it sometimes! but i can't. I JUST KNOW.

what has started as faith has been proven fact.

the word of God stands on its own. it says in Isaiah 55:11 "...i send it out, and it always produces fruit. it will accomplish all that i want it to, and it will prosper everywhere i send it." his word will go out & will not return void.  

now, back to what i was saying...i never doubted my salvation & i never doubted it was forever. yet i often hear people ask,

"once i have salvation, can i lose it???"

the way i see it, you either 1) believe you are saved by Grace through Jesus Christ or 2) believe you are saved by your own works. can't be both. 

the scripture says in Isaiah 64:6, "we are all infected and impure with sin. when we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind."

our works can't save us. 

in ephesians 2:8 it says, "it is by grace that i am saved, through faith, not of myself"--not of anything i can do--it is a gift from God.

i can't save me. i can't work harder to save me. i can't be good enough to save me. [this may come as a shocker to my husband] i'm not perfect! BUT, thank you God, Jesus was. He came to be that perfect sacrifice. the ONLY thing that could justly & completely pay my price of sin. forever & always. eternally.

the clencher for me is in romans 11:6, "but if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace is no longer grace." i mean, right?! listen to this in acts 4:12, "And there is salvation in no one else: for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved." 

SALVATION IS NOT FOUND IN ME.

i do have a question, though. in john 3:36 it says, "he who believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son will not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him." soooo...

if i don't obey, i won't go to heaven, right?
if i mess up, i won't get to heaven, riiiight???

well, look at that verse next to another translation. it actually translates to "whoever rejects the Son will not see life."

the key to heaven is not obedience--although that is important!
the key to heaven is found in accepting Jesus. 

"truly, truly, i say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life." it says it right there. i must hear. i must believe. through faith. through Christ Jesus. i have eternal life. i pass from death into life. there is no "but" there. there is no "only if" there.

AGAIN, "truly, truly, i say to you, he who believes has eternal life." through faith in Christ Jesus i have eternal life. period.

an amazing example of faith vs. works?? the thief on the cross. in verse 40 of John 23, the thief showed his faith in who jesus was & then in verse 43, Jesus says to him that "TODAY you will be with me in paradise." that thief didn't have time to do better works. he didn't even get a chance to be baptized. because of his FAITH he was saved. because of his FAITH he was going to be with Christ Jesus in heaven.

what about ephesians 2:10? in the king james version it says, "for we are his workmanship, created unto Jesus Christ unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." since, i love the message version, let's look at it there. i'm going to start in verse 7:

"now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. saving is all his idea, and all his work. all we do is trust him enough to let him do it. it's God's gift from start to finish! we don't play the major role. if we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! no, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. he created each of us to join Jesus in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, the work we had better be doing." 

amen! anyone still with me here??

that's where the work comes in! if we are a child of God, we should be working...with him for his glory--not to save ourselves. if we are a child of God, we should want to work...with him for his glory because we love him...because he first loved us. not because my works will save me. 

when paul was writing to titus he says, "he saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to his mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life." (titus 3:5-7) again, i'm not saved by my works. it's by the perfect blood sacrifice of Christ Jesus. it's by His grace we are made heirs to heaven. it's not conditional. there are no strings attached. if He promises it to me in His Word, it's better than a 100% money back guarantee...it's a holy guarantee.

friends, i don't claim to know it all...by any stretch! but as long as i have breath on this earth, i have a mission. to learn more. to ask questions. to grow. to change. to share. 

no, i am not good enough for heaven, but through the blood sacrifice of my Jesus, I have been made anew & holy in the sight of God. my eternity is secure. no matter how many times i mess up.

HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!

i hope you don't only listen to what i've found while searching the scriptures but i hope you heed what psalm 105:4 says, "search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek HIM." and if you struggle with studying the word, then i encourage you to find a spiritual mentor that can help guide you. 

continue to seek him.
continue to study his word.

IT ALL POINTS TO HIM. 

a God wink

I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work...For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Isaiah 55:8-9 MSG

you guys, God continually surprises me--i just never know what he is up to! sometimes i imagine him meeting me for coffee & discussing what my next 5 years are going to look like. and all like, no way! seriously?? oh, she doesn't! and he's all like, yep, it's gonna be wild. and then tells me, you really won't believe what happens in the next 5...but, that's not how this life thing works.

if i know anything at my young 28 (almost 29) years of life, it's this: his ways are not my ways. and thank you, Lord, for that. man, can i muck it all up sometimes. but you know what else i can say without a doubt: his fingerprints are all over my life! and, oh, how i praise you, Lord, for that. 

on march 1 of this year, i officially started my blog. for months leading up to that day, i toyed with the idea. maybe it doesn't sound like such a big deal...i mean, everyone has one these days anyway, right? who will even care? well, i cared. the thought stirred in me & wouldn't go away. i'm talking, on my mind, constantly, every single day. once i started to actually work on it, i felt it. that inexplicable joy. that peace. that fresh word in my heart. it was the will. God's will.

at that moment, i knew God was using me...and apparently, wanted to use this blog. didn't know how exactly. didn't know who would even read it, but i had heavenly confirmation. so i gave the blog over. it wasn't mine, then. it was his. i knew in my heart i wanted to be authentic -even vulnerable- for his glory. goodness, i just wanted/want to share my life with you! because i love you! because i love him! because he loves me! 1 Thessalonians came to mind. Paul writes in chapter 2 verse 8 that "we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us." i want to share my real, often times messy, life with you. i want the gospel of God to be seen alive in my life. and i want to impart it to you!

so, friend, i blogged & just a few months into it...God showed up. 

a sweet girl i had met -years ago mind you- when i was involved in a college ministry, reached out to me through facebook. we had recently found each other on instagram & were enjoying getting to see small bits of each others lives, once again. since seeing her last, she had graduated & moved on & actually connected with 6 other amazing Christian women from across the united states. they had begun a daily devotionals ministry (redevotionals.com)...and she asked if i'd like to guest blog for them. 

um, yeah.

can we say, a God thing.

or as my dad likes to call it, a God wink.

yeah, i think so. ;)

so, today, is the day for my guest post to go up. once she told me about their site, i immediately subscribed to get their posts daily via email & love being able to read them whenever & from wherever i am. real women. meeting with God. and trying to live in grace. work out of love. and share our hope. the redemptive & eternal hope we have in Jesus Christ. to join in on the conversation & daily readings go to redevotionals.com and enter your email address to follow the blog! 

we're in this together, friend!

We give thanks to God always for all of you, making mention of you in our prayers; constantly bearing in mind your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ in the presence of our God and Father... 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3 NASB

prone to wander...

...Lord i feel it, prone to leave the God i love.

i find myself constantly, slowly, unknowingly moving "things" into my line of vision. filling my time. consuming my heart. there is that constant battle within. society vs. scripture. feelings vs. faith. flesh vs. spirit. we all have this tendency within ourselves to search for identity/security/acceptance horizontally (among the world) for what we can only get vertically (direct from God).

what are we using to identify ourselves?

what defines who i am?

a career?

my church?

my husband?

our children?

my looks?

...success?

it should be Christ. Christ alone.

this quote from Paul David Tripp says it all too perfectly:

If I am seeking to get identity from you, I will watch you too closely, listen to you too intently, and need you too fundamentally...And because I am watching you too closely, I will become acutely aware of your weaknesses and failures. I will become overly critical, frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, and angry. I will be angry not because you are a sinner but because you have failed to deliver the one thing I seek from you: identity. But none of us will ever get the well-being that comes from knowing who we are from our relationships. Instead we will be left with damaged relationships filled with hurt, frustration and anger.” 

once we begin to look vertically (to God) for our identity, we can finally start living a life full of joy. no, not happiness, but pure joy. we can have joy through unhappiness. we can have peace through turmoil. it comes from the Holy Spirit. it comes from seeking God first in our lives. it comes when we decide that pleasing God is more important than pleasing people: our parents, our spouse, our pastor, our friends...our kids...or even ourselves.

do you believe Jesus died for your sins? do you believe he died to give you hope for an eternity in heaven? well, yes, He did...but what about the here? the now? let me introduce you to what Tripp calls the "nowism" of the gospel. the good news that Jesus came down to earth to sacrifice His life, out of love, and so that we can have a life-transforming relationship with God. here. now.

the nowism of the gospel. it's alive and breathing and moving...and changing lives.

we cannot live in our past: leafing through the pages of our lives. dwelling on conversations we had. things we wished we would've said. things we never did.

we cannot worry about our future: conjure up scenarios. worry about things that are out of our control. play out every possible reaction or scenario. what we will say. what we would do. the what-ifs can be killer.

if life is a battlefield of the mind, then we must take control of our thoughts, feelings & actions. let's stop letting our feelings rule our lives and instead allow our faith to guide us. through Christ we have the power to overcome. through Christ we have the influence of the Holy Spirit. think about it: the same Holy Spirit that brought the Son of God back to life from the dead...lives inside you & me...if we have invited him in. wow.

we are in charge of the here & now. think about it: our here & now dictates our soon-to-be past. our here & now is fulfilling our coming future.  let's seek & accept God's perfect plan for our lives. let's let His amazing Grace transform us along the way. 

let's live in the nowism of the gospel.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light

1 Peter 2:9

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, 

in accordance with his pleasure and will.

Ephesians 1:4-5

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 

1 Samuel 16:7

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might 

become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:17-21