does this make me look fat?

throughout my life, this was the only question that mattered when i got dressed...

"does this make me look fat?"

not, "is this comfortable?" or even, "is this outfit appropriate for what i'm doing today?" 

that one question is what i've measured all potential garments against. it was my main concern when presenting myself to the world--maybe especially because i'm a curvy girl. "how big do i look in this?" that haunting question has drove every purchase i've ever made my entire life.

until now.

while i know clothes aren't the only thing in life (i swear i won't always write about them) they are a big part of it. from the beginning of time they have said a lot about who we are as people...they told others if we were in mourning, if we were wealthy or what tribe we belonged to. they are the way we introduce ourselves throughout our day to day interactions, they play into our self confidence & they can even lead us to the future's that we want.

maybe it's because i've turned 30 & am feeling more confident in who i am as a woman, it could be because my husband & i have been together for 18 years & i'm feeling comfortable in my own skin, maybe it's because i've had five kids & there's a sense of pride from what my body has accomplished, or maybe it's just a period of enlightenment for me right now--i, for one, think it has a lot to do with the fact that i'm raising three young woman & the conversations that have started about dressing for ourselves & not others, about humble, modest confidence & about how our worth comes from the one who gave his life for us on the cross & not in what we wear or the things we possess...

but i woke up one saturday morning as a 32 year old women & wondered... 

if i take away the sole purpose of dressing to look thinner, then what am i left with? 

who am i dressing for?

i've read all the cosmo articles about how women actually dress for the approval of other women & rarely dress for men. of course, i've also seen all the posts about how to dress to get a man. i've read the pieces about how to make your legs look longer/your waist slimmer/your butt smaller, and how you should never wear horizontal stripes because heaven forbid you appear wiiiiide.

the thing is, i'm done dressing for everybody else. i want to embrace the fabrics, the shapes, the colors, the patterns, and all the horizontal stripes. so what if something "hides my figure." so what if something isn't "on trend." who cares if it isn't something you would wear. because the fact is, no one is making you wear it, or even like it. as women, we have a barrage of marketing messages telling us that everything about us is wrong. i refuse to believe that.

be you. not them. 

i also refuse to be so naive as to say what we wear doesn't matter, because the figures tell another story with the clothing industry being an over TRILLION dollar industry. let's quit pretending none of this matters.

how do i feel about this?

if i were to pinpoint what it is i want from my wardrobe i think it would be to feel good. on the one hand, i think it's safe to say i can "feel good" when i look good, right? i also believe that i can "feel good" in something because it's cute or expensive or new, but what about how i REALLY feel in it. when i think back to some outfits that i "felt good" in over the years, they really weren't comfortable, which made me feel self aware & in turn, on some level, uncomfortable. it's sort of a vicious cycle. i believe now that "feeling good" in something, can mean being so comfortable that i forget i'm wearing anything at all--freeing my thoughts & energy. this was not a feeling i was familiar with in years past. once, at nine months pregnant, i was wearing three inch heels every day to make sure my legs looked as long as possible on my 5'3" pregnant frame because I NEEDED TO BALANCE OUT MY NINE MONTH PREGNANT BELLY. it literally made me anxious thinking about wearing flat shoes because of how frumpy i was sure to appear. by the way, i now have terrible feet & back issues because of said shoes & have to wear orthopedic insoles. "feeling good" came at a price.

i also want to say that if a form-fitting dress or heels makes you feel good then by all means WEAR IT. if sweat pants & a tee shirt make you feel good then DO YOU. let your clothing decisions be something that empowers you instead of enslaving you. 

for years after having children, my fear was that people would look at me & think i had let myself go.  that they would judge me for not taking better care of myself. that they would know i ate that candy bar for breakfast or that i couldn't remember the last time i worked out. i was afraid that if i was seen in anything that wasn't incredibly flattering, people would think i was hiding something. my fear was amplified with the fact that i was a teen mom & i never wanted anyone to think i had failed or that motherhood was overwhelming me. so that meant nothing oversized or flowy or baggy or thick or toooo form fitting. but it has me thinking...why is it that any piece of clothing that is flowy or oversized is automatically perceived as something to hide under? who said this?? and when did being comfortable become synonymous with not caring?? what if, instead, by wearing clothes that you feel comfortable in, it releases you from all these preconceived ideals, therefore allowing you to fully feel like yourself.

what is it i want from my wardrobe?

every once in a while i think it's good to take a minute & do a quick self check. to see what is or isn't working for you. may it be how much time you're devoting to things, how much money you are spending, or how much energy you are putting into something.

but this particular question is an easy one for me. i want my wardrobe to inspire me. i want to feel myself in these pieces. i want to be able to think as little as possible about what to wear so i am free to spend my time & energy on my children & focus on my beautiful life with my adoring husband. i want to be able to move & dance & play in my clothes. i want them to be durable & washable & livable. i want my clothes to be more about me & less about you. even though, i really like you. ;)

i want the feeling of broken-in linen as it floats around my body instead of sticking to it in the summer's heat. i want all the cozy feels as i wrap myself in cashmere that will last for years to come. i want to feel beautiful in a slinky silk dress that covers me wholly. i want the durability of denim to get me through days of working outside when the temperatures start to drop.


so, as my teenage daughter will tell you...yolo. my dudes, life is too short to worry about what someone else will think of you if you wear that loud top or that cute hat or those baggy pants or that muumuu.

if you want to do it, then do it.

enjoy it, embrace it, embrace you.

xo