becoming mom...again

okay, so, it's been a while. last time i posted i was gearing up for christmas. in review: christmas went great. how's that for short & sweet?? honestly, these days, i'm lucky to remember what i did yesterday never mind a month ago...i blame pregnancy brain...and our 3 kids. (sometimes i worry that i won't be able to remember anything by 40.) oh & and hello 2015! 

sooo...what's been going on lately...

oh! we found out baby #4 is another sweet girl!

we are all super excited (now). lincoln was not happy. not gonna lie. it got ugly. and i was seriously concerned for baby girl's safety for a few minutes there. after he was done grieving the hope for a brother, he came & hugged me & told me he loved the baby-shew, thank goodness.

more baby talk:

we were only slightly concerned with the fact that we have NOTHING for a baby....until I found not just one, but TWO diaper bags. that's right. we'll be just fine. i have baby accessory options. but seriously, so many people have offered their baby beds, swings, bath tubs, etc PLUS our amazing family who will no doubt be sure we are taken care of...i have no worry that it will all work out. shoot, after our 3rd we quickly realized what we actually needed vs. what we thought we needed. he never did have a high chair, boppy, bumbo or half the stuff his sisters had. ;) and in case you're wondering, yes, we have a name & i can't wait to meet that sweet girls face.

hello 20 weeks!

being a family of 5 is interesting...and never dull. most of the time, i wish for boring. how wonderful boring must be. or silence. that sounds wonderful. as i bide through this 5th pregnancy awaiting our 4th baby, i must admit i feel a lot of unease. we've managed our family of 5 on one paycheck for a few years now. it's definitely challenging. and quite easy to get frustrated with not being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. but i KNOW that God is providing all we NEED. the whole "counting your blessings" thing really does work when i get restless with our lives. but thinking about bringing another mouth into this house?? i get stressed out now just feeding us 5 (why are they always hungry?!). we have a strict (and small) budget for 2 weeks worth of groceries & it's a major stretch to get us through. it's always fun to see how creative we can be when it comes down to those last few dinners before the next paycheck. ;) 

since the beginning of the new year we have went back to our "envelope method" of budgeting that we did early in our marriage. it helps to stretch those dollars. with each paycheck, we withdraw a predetermined amount of cash and put it into designated envelopes for things such as groceries, gas, misc. and when the money's gone from that envelope, it's gone....until the next paycheck. it gives us a more structured look at where our money is going each month and makes us more mindful of spending...rather than swiping the debit at every turn-which is just so darn convenient!

i said all that to say this...i think having children is a bit of a leap of faith. faith that God will provide for them & protect them, faith that God will lead them & never leave them, faith that God has a perfect plan for each one of them. so by adding another little to our family, it has not only been a stretch on our budget but also a stretch of our faith. i've continued to deal with anxiety throughout this pregnancy-something i'm not accustomed to (boo-hiss on you anxiety). and while it's been a very difficult part of this pregnancy, it's really become a way of growing my faith. letting go of worry. letting go of control. learning to lean on God more completely (which is a life-long journey). with each little life that we've been entrusted with, it's changed us. changed our family dynamic--sure. but also changed & challenged us as parents. changed us in our marriage. ya know, we have to be open to change. even if it hurts. even if it's hard. open to grow. having kids isn't easy, but it's unquestionably extraordinary. these little lives. each so different yet so similar. each so perfectly "ours."

i've often heard people say this about their kids "i can't imagine my life without them" and until recently, i haven't truly understood what they meant by that. i could always "imagine" what life would look like...but really what they're saying is "i can't imagine a world where they aren't in it." and they're right, i wouldn't want to.

what an incredible privilege to be front row to these little lives. (yes, even when they are farting at the dinner table, laughing out loud in church or full-on WWE in the living room.) but we get to be an instrument in shaping their futures (no pressure). and as much as i feel like a constant failure in the parent/role model department, i have to say that walking this messy, bumpy, stinky, challenging road of life with them is something i may never fully understand or appreciate the magnitude...and ginormous blessing of.

and in case i forget to say it...thank you, God, for giving us these perfectly imperfect little lives. 

Psalms 127:4-5

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. 

How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

our three gift christmas

no, i'm not going to talk about kissing under a twig at christmas BUT it is november 11 and i cannot get enough of christmas.

bring on the hallmark movies.

bring on the christmas tree.

i may have already bought a few christmas gifts.

this may not seem strange to some of you but for me, it is. i've always been one of those people who didn't start thinking about christmas until the day after thanksgiving. i was talking to my mom the other day and telling her i couldn't believe how smitten i was with the thought of christmas this year when it hit me...christmas was typically a very stressful, busy time of the year for us: do we have enough money, did we buy enough gifts, what in the world do i get for so-and-so, but as of last year we really simplified christmas...and it was beautiful. it became clear to me that by simplifying christmas last year we were able to truly enjoy the season and able to reflect on the true reason for celebrating. after a great year last year, i'm especially looking forward to this one.

so how did we simplify christmas last year? first of all, we by no means wanted to downplay the significance of christmas, but instead wanted to quiet the other aspects of the season so that the celebration of our savior and the love of our family could be heard...loud & clear.

the simplification of our christmas:

somewhat unintentionally, our decorations were minimal. i suppose i was inspired by a simple swedish christmas (preferably full of snow & gluten free sweets). not that i have anything against big, full-on christmas decorations, it's just that last year was all about the quaint.

 

 

more intentionally, we changed the way we did gifts for our 3 kids. we decided they would each receive 3 gifts just as the magi brought for jesus. more specifically, each gift would represent a need, a wish & a surprise for each child. (i've since read about other families who add a "read" gift which we may do this year...our littles love books!) their need is an outfit of some kind. i've tried to find something special that can be worn both for church and for school. for their wish, they get to ask for that one special item they would like to have. (this is also their wish from santa.) and for their surprise, we like to plan a little overnight trip each year. something where the kids have to pack their bags that night & we leave the next morning. at least something we get to do together as a family. something where we make memories. spending time instead of just money.

on the subject of santa: in our house we believe santa is whoever you need him to be. for us, he's the hands & feet of Jesus...just as we we should be. he spreads love to others by giving & by showing compassion. he is not the focus of the season & our kids know that. so yes, there are cookies & milk for santa (more like lemon bars for our santa). yes, there are stockings magically filled on christmas eve. but it's not the whole focus. last year we enjoyed a few minutes each evening reading verses, having discussion & doing a family activity together for advent. it was a great way to keep the focus on Jesus throughout the often busy hype of the christmas season. now, mind you, there were nights when it just didn't happen...and our kids definitely let us know about it. ;)      

now, i'd be lying if i said i had no reservation last year about scaling back our gifts to just 3 per child. i specifically recall a moment of panic, "is this really all we're getting them?! is this enough??" beforehand we explained what we were doing & why we were doing it, so there weren't any surprises. but i think deep down i was expecting some sort of backlash. some moment after christmas morning where the kids would sit there with sad, disappointed faces & i'd regret ever making the decision...but the truth is...that never happened. we never missed a beat. the kids opened their gifts. we took the morning slow. everything had meaning & we were grateful.

also, i have to share. one of my favorite parts of our christmas morning is our little family gift exchange. it's when we each open our secret santa workshop gifts from the kids. if you don't know what that is, our schools typically have a (dollar) shop set up for the kids to buy for parents & siblings. it's always one of my favorite things...to see what our kids have found & thought that each of us would just love. (i got a sweet mary figurine last year from lincoln.)

so, i'm not saying that our christmas is perfect & we're not looking for perfection; but it's become slower, sweeter & so much more meaningful. simplifying the "fuss" of christmas has given us more time and energy to be spent on rest & reflection. we are more intentional & purposefully thankful. and the reality is, we have more than we need. we are blessed beyond anything we deserve. our God is so good to us. and i want our kids to not only hear that, but to know it, to feel it in their lives. i want them to know that joy doesn't come in a package & that it only comes from Christ. i want them to hold Jesus closely & intimately & never let go.

i don't want a christmas you can buy. i don't want a christmas you can make. what i want is a christmas you can hold. a christmas that holds me, remakes me, revives me. i want a christmas that whispers JESUS.

i hope you all embrace the upcoming season with each of your families. i hope you all see a sweet time with family & friends.

follow our christmas story on instagram at #shamblinchristmas.

(also happy veteran's day! thank you to all our past & present veterans for living a life of service & sacrifice. you are much appreciated.)

photo creds here.

another lil pumpkin

okay, so, remember when i shared the girls room redo here and i said it was a necessary change and that i would later share with you why...??? well, i guess now's the time. except that it's all completely changed.

throughout our marriage we've always kept an open dialogue about adoption and foster care. something we were open to when the time was right. something we would maybe do after the kids were older. well, the thing is, God started stirring up a strong feeling inside of me that the time for action was now. after a lot of prayer and conviction, we decided to start the process. then God really started to move. you could see God's hand everywhere. divine timing and conversations with random people who fostered. it was amazing and we couldn't ignore the calling to do something. maybe one day i'll get to go into full detail about our journey to this point but the fact is...things changed suddenly.

we had filled out our paperwork and were ready to make our first home meetings for foster care. we decided the girls could share a room freeing up one of our four bedrooms. we worked on redoing their room in August hoping to have it all done before the girls started school. by them sharing a room we could keep the other room set up and designated for foster care. the room was complete by september and we turned back to our foster care to-do list. we spent most of september adjusting to school and researching what we needed to do to get ready for fostering. the week of october 5 i designated for working on my home inspection list before our first home visit. that sunday (october 5) hubs insisted i take a pregnancy test...

you see, at the end of september we were in DC. and i was having terrible heartburn. and i was having weird pelvic cramps after all of our walking. i was just plain feeling weird. and hubs totally called it. "you're probably pregnant." um, no. impossible. we were actually using prevention, so, like, how would that happen. (tmi??)

so, on october 5, hubs suspicions were confirmed. he was through the moon. i was in shock. actually, i'd go as far as to say...i was confused. wasn't i supposed to be following through with foster care? wasn't that God's plan? how does this fit into His plan??

the next day, i called the doc & the earliest appointment i could get was a week from then: october 13.  i spent the next week in disbelief. i mean, i really didn't believe it. after i got to my appointment the following week & the prenatal nurse started to discuss breastfeeding options with me...it hit me, "sooo, the test was positive?" yep, this was really happening.

honestly, there were a MULTITUDE of emotions over the next few weeks. mostly, trying to figure out God's plan. after we told our kids (who were thrilled) and our families (who i think were also in shock), i was talking with my grandma about what God's plan was. and she lovingly told me, "you don't have to figure it all out, you just have to be obedient." there it was. God so obviously gave us this surprise baby and i needed to quit trying to figure it all out & just go with it.

it's also been hard because early last year we experienced our first miscarriage. it's made this pregnancy even harder to accept. we tried for months after the miscarriage...and, nothing. assuming having a baby was a closed door, it made even more sense when foster care became our main focus. even after an ultrasound & a beating baby heart this time, there has been a lot of fear. a miscarriage carries a lot of doubt and uncertainty long after it's happened & i've been needing a lot of prayer to not let those feelings in this time (prayers appreciated, friends).

funny how our plans can change so suddenly and drastically. seriously the story of our life.

so, here we are:

• foster care is officially on hold...but not forgotten. 
• embracing a 5th pregnancy & a 4th baby if God wills it.
• realizing we have absolutely nothing for a baby...except a room!

what i do know:

• God has perfect timing
• God has a perfect plan
• i don't have to understand it all
• our van is going to get really crowded

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. 

"And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."

follow my pregnancy story on instagram here or at #shamblinpartyof6