the "p" word

it's been a month now since our sweet number 4 joined the fam. i can't believe how much faster time flies with each kid. i wonder how the dugger's feel. like does their week feel more like a day? it has to be terribly difficult to measure time in that family. or maybe time is a completely abstract concept to them thus rendering it quantitatively irrelevant. whoa.

but back to bringing home baby. in the first couple weeks after bringing little olive home, it was blissful. i mean, for one, i wasn't pregnant anymore, so there was that. but we were all so smitten with this tiny baby burrito. and she was a good baby (are there bad babies?? lol). she didn't cry all the time like her sister. she didn't projectile vomit like her brother. she didn't even need a binky. and i specifically remember thinking, i thought this was going to be hard or something.

i.e. baby burrito

alas, postpartum.

ladies (and gents?), google is my best friend. well, maybe not my best friend, but definitely like my best doctor/therapist/personal shopper/english teacher buddy. i was having an wicked ugly day. oh my gosh, i could not stand anyone. no, that's not accurate. i could have killed anyone. wait, i don't think you're supposed to post things like that (i watch a lot of dateline). you get the point. it was an UGLY day in the shamblin house. my poor peeps. then, like a stroke of lightning i remembered all that i had learned (and so obviously supressed) with the first 3 children...postpartum. things had been going so wonderfully i guess i forgot that i was still vulnerable. so in true modern-day mother-like fashion, i googled postpartum on ma smartphone. (HOW DID THE PIONEERS DO IT SANS GOOGLE)

okay, so there's postpartum depression AND postpartum anxiety. now i'm reading from the first source that pops up after you search postpartum, so if you're a mom, you've probably clicked and read the same link that i am sharing from.

first thoughts on finding out i could be dealing with postpartum depression AND postpartum anxiety: "great, there's a difference?!"

"great, there's multiple issues that i'm having?!"

"great, at least i'm not crazy!"

"great, there's a good chance i actually don't hate everyone and want to end it all right now."

so they also tell you that these 2 things are comorbid...yes, they actually use the word "comorbid." it means, you can have both problems or just one or just a little of one and a little of the other or all of both...basically, we can't pinpoint have crazy you are feeling.

also, you can be experiencing these "symptoms" anytime within 12 months of having a baby...there's something about that statement that make me wants to throat punch my husband.

so here we go. the "short" version of possible postpartum depression symptoms:

• You feel overwhelmed.  You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother.  You may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
• You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this.  You feel like your baby deserves better.  You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would.  You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
• You don’t feel bonded to your baby. 
• You can’t understand why this is happening.  You are very confused and scared.
• You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you.  You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
• You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
• You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.
• You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.
• You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
• You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are.  Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. 
• You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.
• You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
• You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.
• You know something is wrong. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

where's that little emoji face with the big shocked eyes when i need it. "sadness to the depths of my soul." "out of control rage." "finding some way to end this misery." birth control??? let husbands read these lists.

alright, so if postpartum depression issues aren't cutting it, then you can also be experiencing the fun times associated with postpartum anxiety/postpartum ocd: 

• Your thoughts are racing. You can’t quiet your mind. You can’t settle down. You can’t relax.
• You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
• You are worried. Really worried.  All. The. Time. No matter what anyone says to reassure you it doesn’t help.
• You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you’ve never had before.  Scary thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren’t the person you thought you were. 
• You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of scary thoughts or worries.  You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs.
• You may feel the need to check things constantly.
• You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea.  You might even have panic attacks.
• You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage. Restless.  On edge.
• You can’t eat.  You have no appetite.
• You’re having trouble sleeping.  You are so, so tired, but you can’t sleep.
• You feel a sense of dread, like something terrible is going to happen.
• You know something is wrong. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you.  Or that your baby will be taken away.

why doesn't anyone actually explain to us the craziness that ensues after this perfect, precious bundle arrives?  and all this emotional and psychological distress on top of trying to actually take care of the tiny human? and if you're already a mom, then taking care of all the other tiny humans that you are responsible for. dang. we deal with all of this & our husband's don't leave us & our kid's still love us & no one dies. mom's are boss.

so if you just had a baby, already have babies, are getting ready to have a baby, or may possibly in the future have a baby, remember this...you are not alone...and apparently, not actually crazy (unless you are, in fact, crazy which in case you should admit you do have a problem & seek immediate professional help--BUT HOW DO WE REALLY KNOW). i'll just stop there.

i will tell you this. the ocd is working in my favor right now. even though i can't really sleep/truly rest, my closet has never looked better! plus i am destroying the laundry piles...& hopefully not my marriage (i kid. but really).

you may now return to your regularly posted instagram pics of beautiful babies & perfect moms.

god bless us every one.